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My heart lies buried in a vault beneath the earth
beating alone and lonely in the darkness
while above my breast holds only emptiness
The world about me cold and bleak
as I wonder why you have gone from me
The joy you brought my life
has gone away with your parting
I am angry that you had to go your way
I am sure it did not need to be
I do not understand why it had to be
Now I am past the tears and the flowers
thinking empty words you will not know
while stretching ahead of me forever are
days and weeks and years yet to come
My sentence of lost happiness
| I think this is very matter of factly stated and this feeling of loss is well captured. |
I like this piece, I like how it comes out calmly.
It creates a natural flow, but often with heartache there is a drastic tone and I didn't get that here. I think it does a lot to make this charming.
Thanks for sharing.
|| Posted on 2011-08-04 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ] || This is a really good poem and I definitely realize what you are saying. Its very interesting and diffrent. it has a great format and flows very well.||| Posted on 2011-06-25 00:00:00 | by madsmurph99 | [ Reply to This ] || closed up now like a flower that refuses to open...tears and flowers on a grave...will the tears nourish the ground enough for new flowers to grow...for fresh roses to help the speaker forget and move on....only time can tell..|
a very moving piece of writing...glad i came upon it....
|| Posted on 2011-06-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ] || "Tears and flowers" are things we associate with graves. The heart in the vault imagery serves to reinforce that (or vice versa). Either way, it's quite effective here. And your mixed emotions of anger and confusion expressed in the second stanza work well with the whole idea of a cemetery. The death of a relationship is symbolized nicely throughout the piece.|
|| Posted on 2011-06-18 00:00:00 | by rubie | [ Reply to This ] || i like the potrayed imagery, with the heart locked in a vault burried in the earth, while the body walks w/o it. Truly awesome. ||| Posted on 2010-11-21 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ] || wow i like this alot and am glad to see someone else does as well. this is great easy to relate to and understand your flow is perfect and i love the ending the most. i wish you the best |
|| Posted on 2010-11-07 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ] || I think this is good. I enjoyed the read and the actual content is interesting. It has a raw style and is sharp in places, I love the title and the first stanza has a bit of Edgar allen poe in it's imaginings.|
If you want an unbiased review I have more of a sugestion: It seems like your striving to get the rhythm just right here and it's not exactly off, but I think if you just bit the bullet and wrote it in a "proper" form it could be better. I usually write in free-verse myself like, but seeing the lines are almost in a regimental fashion already it would just make the stutters less apparent.
If you don't care for these things of course it's up to you, but that would be my gripe.
|| Posted on 2010-11-06 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ] |