I wish I had an interesting story about how the year 2007 started off. Some epic party where the cops came and Sally thew a drink on Amber and someone threw up all over the couch or something like in the highschool parties they show on tv. Some big bang to start off the most interesting year of my life. The truth is that I just smoked weed with Beth, ate candy, felt guilty, ate more candy, felt worse, fooled around with Beth, felt lower than shit. The only way I remember this is through old journals, most of that year is a blur. I do know however that by the time it started I was a drug addict. Adderal mostly, vocodin when I didn't have that, and whatever else I could get my hands on. You'd think being a drug addict would have been enough to show me that my life wasn't going as well as I thought but in the moment you don't see things, or people, for what they are.
On some days I had alcohol for breakfast, muscle relaxers for lunch, and weed for dinner with Beth. I'd come to school and a friend of mine would have rum mixed with an energy drink which we would sip on while smoking cigarettes and taking our adderall or talking about how we needed to get some. I had art workshop first period so I always had to try my hardest to not burn or cut myself while I was too fucked up to sit still. Despite being addicted to "the study drug" I was failing school horribly and only really showed up sometimes to get pills and talk with friends. Soon after the year started Austin wanted me to sneak out with him and get drunk at his friends house. He had stopped going to our highschool after the break because he went to college early. I was hesitant but my drug abuse and bipolar disorder made my brain chemisty a little off. I was utterly ashamed to be a virgin as much as I felt dirty when I fooled around with someone. It was a lose-lose situation.
I got up the courage to do it. I spent forever figuring out what to wear on the night that I might lose my virginity, hopped out my window, snuck past my sisters window trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake anyone inside, and waited for him by the street. He came driving up and immediately showed me the bottle of tequila. He drove me to his friends house and instead of hanging out with them like I thought we would he just said hello and walked us to a back bedroom while they sat in the livingroom watching a movie. I felt so strange. Once in the room he locked the door and poured us shots. I was completely quiet at this point because I was so nervous. The shot made me shudder. I felt it trickle down my body and burn my throat. I couldn't take another one. We sat on the bed and I couldn't speak. The alcohol had further closed up my throat and made it impossible to figure out the words to say. He tried to loosen me up but it didn't help. I just wanted him to make a move. Make a move. Why are you just sitting there? I'm here aren't I? I chewed my nails off and played with my hair frantically. The silence was hurting my ears and vibrating through me. My heart raced. I couldn't take it. I grabbed him and thrust my tongue into his mouth and made out harder than I ever have. He was almost startled by this. He made a comment but I ignored it because I didn't care. I just wanted this curse gone. I wanted my virginity gone.
Up until that point I had only fooled around with Beth really. All we did was finger each other too. That night in the pitch black we explored my sexuality. I remember how disgusting it felt when he went down on me. I hated it more than anything. The touch of his skin, the feel of his tongue, his hands on my chest...it made me want to vomit. I was in hell in that room but it was a hell I would experience many many more times. I didn't want to fool around anymore. I wanted him to have sex with me already. Pop my cherry and let me go home. When it came time to actually "do it" he couldn't perform. I didn't know what to do. I had only just felt my first penis that night. I hadn't a clue of what the right way to do stuff was. That was probably a lucky night for me. He said he was just too nervous because of how beautiful I was and kept saying he was sorry. I was embarrassed and didnt know what to say. We went home and I went further into the black pit.
A few days later I was at school. Beth was in one of her moods and was talking shit about me to the kids in our group while I stood right there. On this particular day it was about how I was spoiled and got everything I wanted and was still unhappy. All I had said was that my mother was on another kick to get me to do better in school after reading another one of those tough love parenting books. She said I needed to eat protein before school which I found funny considering I was already Anorexic but they had yet to figure it out. When I told Beth what she said she simply told me "don't be anorexic" out loud in front of everyone. I did nothing of course despite the fact that she herself also had an eating disorder and she knew that I knew about it but am not a big enough bitch to bust her out like that. I just stood there and didn't react...that is until that day at lunch when I bought Adderall and two sheets of this stuff called Triple C. My friends were doing it but I hadn't tried it yet. My friend told me to just take 1 sheet and enjoy with friends. I got home and figured I'd just try it out alone and since I was barely above 90 pounds that I might just want to take a half sheet at first. I popped those and waited a little, popped the other half, then popped the other sheet. I sat there for a while and didn't feel anything at all. I gave up after an hour or two and went to sleep. Before long I woke up and immediately thew up. I barely made it to the trash can. I couldn't walk, I couldn't hold my head up, my heart was beating out of my chest. I managed to move the garbage can to the side of my bed and just hung off the edge and puked my guts up all night. I was so afraid that my parents would hear and come in and find my ODing or worse...find me dead from the OD. I thought about how they wouldn't notice anything until they came home from work and relaxed for a few hours. They would realize that I was either still gone past the normal time or had been really quiet in my room. They would knock, no one would answer. They would come in and find me covered in puke and bodily fluids limply hanging over the side of my bed. My sister would know that I died in the room right next to hers and that would be my life. Over at 15 due to an OD. I would die alone. Once I woke up the next day it was 4pm but I was alive. I had lived. Suddenly I had a new found respect for my life. While it didn't last long I was happy for a little while. I had lived. There was obviously a reason for me to be here. Everything seemed different. Brighter. Stronger. Prettier. Perfect.
Sadly only a little while after that my new perspective on life dwindled. (insert story about Austin here...go back in my blogs to read it)
My 16th birthday I was unshowered and my hair was a flat mess. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. My mother wasn't talking to me because I had just gotten into trouble for ditching school once again and also had gotten in trouble after an old friends parents told my parents about me doing drugs after they hacked her myspace. I denied it of course. By that point I didn't care that I had told her I wouldn't ditch school again because I had done this so many times. I thought oh well I'm failing anyway, why bother going? My lunch group was full of kids who would laugh and have fun with me at school but that day all of them were suddenly busy. The "friends" I had didnt show up to my birthday dinner. Only two girls came. My best friend Nikki and my old friend Beth. It hadn't been more than maybe a few days since the event with Austin in the RV and my skin still crawled with the very thought of him. Dinner my parents sat at a different table than me and my friends. Later when we got home me and my friends went for a walk and Beth went on about how that day with Roger and Austin had been so much worse for her when in reality nothing even happened to her but she had a boyfriend who was going to beat Roger up. She assured me that I was being overdramatic about the whole ordeal. After all he didnt actually go inside my pants and besides...I had fooled around with him already so it didnt matter. A man is allowed to pin a girl down and paw at her crotch and tits against her will as long as he doesn't actually make skin to skin contact once they have fooled around I guess. At least that was her logic.
I was angry at this point. Very angry. I was pissed off out of control teenager. I was getting sent passes to go to the councilor at school during my 3rd period but would instead just leave class and sit somewhere until the period was over. The councilor kept sending them to me days in a row but I did not want to go. I would get office refferals often. Sometimes I would go because I liked the vice principal. She was nice and joked about how I was always in there. I remember she would sometimes stop what she was doing and come out to say hello to me while I waited for another kid to be done in her office. Some days however I would throw the multi-paged piece of paper at the wall and just walk out refusing to go to the office while cursing under my beath. I would instead just walk about campass or find a bench to sit at until it was time for me to go to my next class or home. I would do a ton of pills at lunch at our tables every day. I had more fun at school than on the weekends considering I was in Saturday school damn near every week for ditching, cursing in class, smoking a cigarette behind a dumpster, dress code violation, being late, talking to my friends....I never even kept track of what I was in there for each Saturday. I just showed up early in the morning, sat in the cafeteria for a few hours reading or drawing, talked to friends when they had it too, and went home.
I longed for the sun to save me from this cold, dead winter