Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Their Innocencedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BusterLILblock
    ASL Info:    21/F
    Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 452/270/50
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 695
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1052



    Description:
       Umm... just a little rant i guess.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTheir Innocencedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Innocent souls raised behind a closed door.
    Where black and white are so easily differentiated.

    As dawn calls the children,
    As they sing there seemingly everlasting songs.

    Joyous they gleam
    Stainless they seem.

    When opening the door became inevitable.

    Their elders contended to warn
    Their elders began to mourn

    As they took it so lightly
    As they so fervently yearned away.

    They rushed
    to see new sights!
    to feel the new world!

    Curiously
    Carelessly

    When fear struck and sickened their hearts
    Their black and white merging
    So hard to tell apart!

    When the innocent's innocence drained.
    Just as they were so fervently wishing,
    Unknowingly

    Grey consumed their vision.

    Confusion gained
    Corruption famed

    Their cry unheard
    Where as their singing altered to shame.




    Submitted on 2010-11-17 18:50:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this made me think of adam&eve. how they started off so innocent and then as time went one they saw&did things to make it go away and they couldnt get it back anymore. good write
    | Posted on 2010-12-23 00:00:00 | by scardnscared | [ Reply to This ]
      Sheltered in four doors, people grow only to know, what to them is shown, what is always right or wrong... but as they grow they find out that not everything falls into those two ways, sometimes there is a path in between, the loopholes to the rules they have come to know... You have described it so good in words... the shock of going to the outside world... when the curtains rise and show... the truth about what life is.
    | Posted on 2010-11-23 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is so touching. The portrayal itself is innocent. I can see it all being played out before my own eyes. This is one of my great fears, for myself & others. It makes you feel helpless to this change, helpless you can't protect them forever. Helpless to not know how much damage was caused. This is how we all grew & learned, this is how we experienced life. The importance of innocence is only realized after it has gone for a long time.



    | Posted on 2010-11-18 00:00:00 | by geekyslacker | [ Reply to This ]
      "Innocent souls raised behind a closed door.
    Where black and white are so easily differentiated."

    I like the idea of a closed door, if the door is not a physical one. I can picture a sweet door of iceor something, but for me a door like wood represents unpleasant and harsh strictness. I don't think that fosters true innocence. The door, however, is being pushed earlier and earlier these days. Black and white are not the best words to use here because they can imply other things than what you mean, like race; so something like "stained and pure" would be better in my opinion.

    "As dawn calls the children,
    As they sing there seemingly everlasting songs.

    Joyous they gleam
    Stainless they seem."

    does dawn represent growing up? Children so look forward to growing up. They are always dreaming, or singing about it--and are so happy for its arrival. Those already grown up might find them cute, and still marvel how innocence they are.

    "When opening the door became inevitable.

    Their elders contended to warn
    Their elders began to mourn"

    So the elders mourn and warn. Indeed! When the time actually comes, the elders know from experience the true bitterness behind that door. I imagine they worry much.

    "As they took it so lightly
    As they so fervently yearned away.

    They rushed
    to see new sights!
    to feel the new world!

    Curiously
    Carelessly"

    This is what the elders fear. I love this part. You chose the right words--They rushed to see the new sights, to feel the new world--curiously, carelessly. It's so good I hardly know what to say. Musical.

    "When fear struck and sickened their hearts
    Their black and white merging
    So hard to tell apart!"

    I thought this part was a little unclear. Is it that fear struck when they longer could tell the two apart, or because of fear they could not tell them apart? Could be clarified. I think that the fear comes after they find they cannot tell the two apart. And, consider changing black and white.

    "When the innocent's innocence drained.
    Just as they were so fervently wishing,
    Unknowingly

    Grey consumed their vision."

    Okay, this introduction of gray is beautiful in relation to using colors black and white, but still. Innocence drained--just as they were wishing--unknowingly...that is deep.

    "Confusion gained
    Corruption famed"

    Musical again! And so true.

    "Their cry unheard
    Where as their singing altered to shame."

    How things change, eh? Great poem Buster.
    | Posted on 2010-11-18 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
      I loveee it!! It has much the same theme as mine Will be back to give detailed comment iA!
    | Posted on 2010-11-18 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    187917

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry