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    dots Submission Name: Between the Sun and Starsdots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 627
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1061


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetween the Sun and Starsdots

    It's that time of the year, again
    When the colors fades away
    Grey fills up the world
    Because you're still gone today

    Time slows and lingers here
    And the blink of an eye
    Is like a blink of the moon
    And the moon's full that night

    And I would trade it all
    Within my black and white place
    Of security and comfort for
    A hint of color and embrace

    It still doesn't feel real
    Though distance and time will fray
    The memories all to blurs
    Save what my heart may portray

    And I keep the feelings
    While it erases all the why
    So I know less the reasons
    But know I must still try

    It feels as though I'm burning
    Or watching me burn afar
    But if I am the sun
    Then you're my shooting star

    Now it's easy to lose it all
    'Cause I've lost more before
    When you looked elsewhere
    What are you looking for?

    Submitted on 2010-11-17 21:37:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I didn't really get the impression of a rap like the other commentator because it had more of a smoothness to it. Rap usually has a consistent beat with some staccato moments in between to mix things up. This was pretty relaxed and thoughtful, and so I'll disagree.

    I think you bring big ideas into your poem but the introduction is kind of clich� to me. I liked the comparison of the dry seasons to a lack of color, or perhaps, a lack of purpose in the writer's life. If I've read one "you've left me" poem though, I've probably read most of them. But I like how you develop the theme, even if it is a bit overdone. You relate being alone to a world of the black and white with no feelings, no color, no love. At this point I think the main idea has greatened to the natural need to feel loved by someone, anyone, to escape a self-destructive reality. It is a travesty when a person has no one to fall back on, as I believe everyone needs comfort eventually.

    The fourth quatrain in a way says, "nothing else matters but the memories I hold in my heart," which is a dangerous way of thinking. I hope you don't personally feel this way as there is more to life than sharing love with someone, but I do agree it is a fundamental part.

    It's amazing how you still hang on to the idea of this person in the fifth quatrain considering how much pain has been expressed in the previous ones caused by this person. But the care and love expressed to this person is relatable because I too am of an exposed heart.

    This poem is sad throughout, unfortunately for the writer, but it is life, and I like how you're unafraid to express this part of life without restraint. I really like the question at the end because it reminds me of an ex of mine, and it didn't work out because of various things, and I often wondered the same question, "When you looked elsewhere, what were you looking for?" cause generally, dating other people makes you realize what you want, in a way, or simply being single for a while. I really enjoyed this poem.

    | Posted on 2010-11-19 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a nice piece, was a rap, cuz the flow i got while reading it felt like it should be.
    | Posted on 2010-11-19 00:00:00 | by keyverse | [ Reply to This ]

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