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    dots Submission Name: Bannerdots

    Author: monad
    ASL Info:    64/M/California
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1092/410/117
    Words: 684
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1463
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1415


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    A blackbird's flight through endless night
    I gaze through window panes of light
    At places I have never seen
    Beyond my primal tidal dream

    To sail the ship of light untouched
    To feel its beauty in the rough
    An uncut diamond unretouched
    That out survives forever

    I walk my trail beside the dawn
    To know the joy of what is gone
    With the feeling that before too long
    I'll find the place I know in song

    A blackbird's flight through endless night
    I gaze through window panes of light
    At places I have never seen
    Beyond my primal tidal dream

    To sail the ship of light untouched
    To feel its beauty in the rough
    An uncut diamond unretouched
    That out survives forever

    Submitted on 2010-11-18 23:56:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    | Posted on 2012-09-13 00:00:00 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a kind of yearning that this piece instills in me, a kind of longing to experience beauty as a new experience, a kind of innocence renewed. Something about this feels really ancient yet pressing, a kind of recurring need unfulfilled. The only quibble I have with it is the word "unretouched" maybe because I have never heard the word or maybe because it just seems out of place somehow, then again I could be mistaken. I would say this is one of your finer writings, I found it easy to read and become one with it..
    | Posted on 2011-06-16 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      you did pretty well with the rhythm of this.
    don't let 'pretty well' knock you, i enjoyed it.

    i think for someone who can connect words together as well as you can the end-rhymes are the downfall. i'd rather this was a serious poem that a nostalgic one because the endrhymes and ideas really- are a bit soft, or hackneyed.

    Don't let hackneyed spoil your day either, i mean to mean that it's not going to live forever in someone's heart because it is achingly beautiful, i mean in this case, it's not stellar in that way, and to be honest who can, and how often could
    a person achieve that gold standard, affecting the heart?

    so I'm saying that you could use your strengths and go for something complex and challenging, and i believe that would make this a more memorable poem.

    since you have such a good easy rhythm going there, why not explore what words you could rhyme.

    sometimes you can rhyme cat with pupils at
    a day school.

    see how that leaves you a natural enjambment into the next line, it's metrical variation and not so obvious as       hat, this is an elementary example mate, you, i imagine could thrive on coming up with variation and or unique word combos.

    you could argue i just rhymed cat with at.

    but there are three stressed syllables creating a: i don't know anymore, i can't remember the technical terms, but it could be a spondee and a headless something, if it was iambic pentameter you would have that single at as a headless iamb....

    point is, you can run the show and your ear can guide you as to what's something (a technique) even if you don't know, or can't remember the term.

    the next challenge is to harness the complexity of ideas to go along with the elevated mechanics.

    the poem isn't bad, terrible, or even ugly, but in what it achieves there's not much to set it apart from a bunch of others, imo.

    i help that's good helpful, as opposed to knocking.

    | Posted on 2011-03-28 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the juxtaposition of light/dark imagery. and the third stanza is wonderful...places the speaker traveling through the darkness, on either side of him, "beside the dawn". the rhythm of the poem moves the reader along so effortlessly...wonderful write!
    | Posted on 2011-03-21 00:00:00 | by rubie | [ Reply to This ]
      the blackbird's endless flight...and the recycling of stanzas here works so well...

    the feeling of the trip...what he sees...and then sees again...
    so much i haven't seen or done...and all of that will be out there forever...because in all my flight there are places i will never have been...

    but dreams are strong...and maybe strong enough to get me there by the morning's light.

    melodic piece...i really like this poem so much...

    a couple slight typos..."blackbird's" and the "it's" should be "its"

    but wonderful stuff..
    this i can digest and enjoy all at once.

    and here i sit at my computer...and this poem made me look out my window...it's night..and i am searching for that blackbird somewhere out there.

    | Posted on 2011-03-21 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This sings of hope, and the human fight to find courage in place of fear!

    Excellent meter and rhyme, and an intriguing muse!
    | Posted on 2010-12-19 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      are you a song writer? if not this can be one.

    sounds like regrets of not going to the places before it is to late.
    | Posted on 2010-12-03 00:00:00 | by cripto | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello poet friend, I am thrilled to dive in this tender read of melodic rhythm that rolls me through the end.

    I hear a bit of negative content in the denotation of the blackbird as the writer labels himself in his yearning for a sense of purity-- an opportunity that has passed him by yet he hopes to find inside his own.

    I love the sound of the line "Beyond my primal tidal dream" --every word fits so nicely in that phrase--in iambic perfection!

    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by Just Kel | [ Reply to This ]
      You will have to excuse me but I find light very trippy.
    I remember windowpane a quarter hit would let in
    all kinds of light, enough light to illuminate the farthest
    reaches of a primal dream.

    So light is a banner or your banner carrying the message of the universe throughout the universe.
    Or is the blackbird the banner flying through the night.
    Light carries messages it also would illuminate the
    But the way I read it the blackbird belongs and is one with the (I) so that leaves the light on standard bearer duty.

    {Beyond tidal dream (warning this could get strange) Ship of light}
    Ship of light Could be the sun. Which would make
    all the paraphernalia being dragged along the banner.

    That out survives forever. which would mean what
    it will die right after forever does?
    Or will it continue to exist in no time. Will it become
    all mass once more?
    I don't know are we talking about the ship of light
    If we get far enough away from it or if we could stay fast enough away from it the light would always be there. Maybe Like if nothing gets in its way it just keeps going. However eventually something is bound to get it its way.

    Or given sufficient tidal pressure it will start rolling backwards? along with everything else. Why do
    people have to write such confusing poems? I mean
    this one just keeps making me think and people are not
    designed to think. You may have heard deferent but
    trust me you have been misinformed. Man was created to admire really big bangs and go Wow
    that was kewl!

    | Posted on 2010-11-27 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      "Beyond my primal tidal dream

    To sail the ship of light untouched
    To feel it's beauty in the rough
    An uncut diamond unretouched
    That out survives forever"

    Word!? I like the flow of this peace and you got imagery. Good write.

    | Posted on 2010-11-19 00:00:00 | by keyverse | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely!
    I like the pattern of repetition, and the rhyme is natural.
    I especially like the 3rd stanza. I've often found solace in songs, and more often found memories reborn through well-loved choruses.

    I believe you meant 'before too long', though. (damned typos!)

    Shine on, Bruce!

    (I dont get the title, though...why 'Banner'?)
    | Posted on 2010-11-19 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]

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