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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Harder To Standdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 202
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 651
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1386



    Description:
       Been a while, found my voice again for a spell....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHarder To Standdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I know things didnt turn out
    how you dreamt
    but somethings aren't meant to be

    We live walking on
    the razors edge
    don't be afraid
    as the years are cut away

    It's harder to stand
    when you feel your backs
    against the wall
    but the body remembers
    what the brain forgets

    I know you think
    good days are far behind
    and when the clouds
    appear in you eyes

    I'll be the rock wall
    to shelter you
    from the storm
    thats only in your mind

    And I know its harder to stand
    when you feel alone
    just remember
    one step, one day
    one problem at a time

    Things didn't turn out
    how you dreamt it
    and I know it's
    harder to stand

    When you feel alone
    feel your back against the wall
    one step, one day
    one problem at a time
    the body remembers
    what the brain forgets

    Just remember
    one step, one day
    one problem at a time

    Because we live walking
    on the razors edge
    this moment
    shall be cut away

    Time to stand up
    just remember
    left foot follows right
    and the storms about to pass





    Submitted on 2010-11-19 11:55:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      for me, there are some good hook lines in this but toward the end i felt they were overused and it gave the poem a feeling of emptiness, or me, the feeling that you couldn't find what you wanted to say.

    i'd say that's it's fine to work closely with familiar phrasing (the razor's edge thing) so long as you make the surrounding material your own,

    there are places in this where you don't.

    I know things didnt turn out
    how you dreamt

    (this idea is not new.

    but somethings aren't meant to be

    this line isn't new.

    We live walking on
    the razors edge

    neither is this one. Also, things like some things and razors edge need to be tidied up so that the work is presented in its best light. somethings = some things
    razors edge = razor's edge (the edge belonging to the razor)

    this is a poetry workshop, no better place to get that type of thing sorted out.

    but do you see my point about familiar phrasing?

    that's the beginning of the poem and your used three worn ideas.

    the really good phrasing was about the years being cut away, because you used something old/accepted and made it new.

    for me, there's too much about this particular poem that is generic so that it reads like a one size fits all motivational card.

    that's not to say that the sentiment is any less meant, just that it's harder to apply to my particular soul, because of the attributes i've mentioned.

    there are good hook lines and concepts in this but i'd challenge you to look at it like a sculpture and bring more detail into it. fine it down.

    hope that's helpful.

    db
    don't be afraid
    as the years are cut away
    | Posted on 2010-11-21 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      this [censored] is bomb <--(positive) man. The imagery, you used was crazy, but it don't hit you immediately. I liked this jawn. was it your intention to make the reader realize that they are actually walking on a razors edge through the storm. or did i get the wrong picture lol
    | Posted on 2010-11-19 00:00:00 | by keyverse | [ Reply to This ]


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