Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: City Escapedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 783
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1322



    Description:
       So what is this about..? Just two people going out to the city and then take a detour to the beach and have a great night out before realising they have work the next day...? Meh, bash it, cut it into itty bitty pieces. I need the criticism.
    Other than that, have fun :]
    ~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCity Escapedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Undo the locks
    And let me in

    You know it's me
    "Let's take the car for a spin!"

    We'll go see the lights--
    Of this city

    All the grey buildings
    Seem so pretty

    Under the night stars
    They come to life

    After the day,
    Where all they hold is strife

    Take my hand,
    And I'll take yours

    Get out of this car
    And stand by the shore

    Away from the shallow fun
    And clubs of people

    Tasting salt in the dark
    A surf-side fever

    The waves--
    they're not the only salt I taste

    (Let's take our time
    And make no haste)

    We'll go home
    as soon as it's tomorrow

    But when the sun comes up
    We know we have to go

    Back to our lives
    Of endless work

    But "thanks for this night"
    This night of mirth

    We had our city escape
    For one night only

    But in sharing this memory
    I won't be lonely

    So goodbye to you,
    My city and lover

    You let me feel free,
    And my soul, discover.




    Submitted on 2010-11-21 04:31:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this poem, It has inspired me on planning a 'City Escape' of my own. ;)
    Nice, it's really original.
    | Posted on 2011-01-27 00:00:00 | by ToMyBride | [ Reply to This ]
      *sigh* it makes me want to get a boy-friend again...but like you said in one other poem
    "I swore to myself, I would never love again!"
    :')
    But hope lives on...
    | Posted on 2011-01-13 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ]
      Bash it? Naw you have everything together tight tink, let me explain.To me it's beautiful because I come to think of two people visiting a particular city but the twist is that it's shakes onto this adventurous side because the first person has more excitement and a need to live in the moments, hold it all for what it is worth sorta say.
    The form, not much of a problem because I look at them at snap shots, bringing me to another thought that two young people do these things all the time so it becomes this cool thing of being young and having the control, freedom and perfect fit of that fun, that happiness that you want to be a highlight of your life.

    And the beach, smokin' crackers the beach! And everybody knows that is a perfect place to capture a memory.Ya know when you see those books that tell stories with pictures by just turning the pages...that came to mind reading this twice.
    It stands.Even though it's staccato I call it the drop set because two lines here, two lines there and continued so on makes the piece collapse but your knowing when to conclude and wrap up was perfect.
    Had you gone on 300 words instead of 193 same form and all it would have needed a big correction.
    It's a shiny pebble in the sand as I would call it, although it was pretty slick.

    You know what crazy though, is that when you write a piece you end up not really caring for but you put it out there anyway and others see it to be unique that helps it to stand up as a strong work of creativity due to the author engineering.
    It's so funny you wrote it though too bc you got away clean with that form without prolonging it, hmmm o.O haha
    But indeedy I likes.

    RG
    | Posted on 2010-12-22 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it. A simply said yet to the heart of the matter write. The only critic I could give is the flow of it seemed to falter in a few spots. Other than that, good job. :)

    Peace, love, some jazz
    Ren
    | Posted on 2010-12-20 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      ... I think I just cried a bit... like two tears... I must say it is beautiful... and it has been a very long time since I have been able to escape like this... from all pressure... from all stress... and just worry about being happy instead of all the things that life make you deal with... Wish I could look up and see the stars instead of the lights... wish I could leave the concrete jungle behind... wish that beauty was once again beauty... and not just something cosmetic that everyone is after... be a kid again and enjoy... even if its just for a short escapade
    | Posted on 2010-11-23 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      I usually don't find much pleasure in short lined staccato poems, especially when unpunctuated, but this is the exception for me. I loved every word of this thoughtful work. Ted.
    | Posted on 2010-11-21 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    187948

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Every..... written by jackz
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Records I written by Raphael
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    prison written by ShyOne
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Fasade written by jackz
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Cover written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    winners circle written by ShyOne

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry