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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cheersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 403
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 708



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCheersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There is a bug floating in my whiskey.
    Well, he's swimming around bumping the glass.
    He does not seem to be quite so frisky
    As he was just a few minutes ago.
    You know it is good Kentucky Bourbon.
    Hmm whiskey all the way up to my ass,
    floating around and paddling so slow
    go with the flow. Now I feel jealous, slurpin'
    from the damn glass is all I get to do.
    Oh, just look at his little buggy eyes.
    He's high. Wonder if he knew when he flew
    into my glass he might never again fly?

    Well! can't waste it, its just whiskey with crunch.
    This poor bug, he's just going to be lunch.




    Submitted on 2010-11-28 05:29:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    Hah.

    Sadly, people drowning in whisky doesn't have quite the same affect! This was a fun read: light, humorous, and from an insect's view no less.

    The swerve back to you was nicely played too.

    While I am none too familiar with writing rhyme, there were a couple of spots that seems a bit bumpy to me, along with some punctuation issues:

    Comma at the end of line 3 isn't needed.

    Comma needed at the end of line 6.

    "go with the flow. Now I feel jealous, slurpin'" -- I wonder if ". . . . Now I'm jealous -- slurpin'" would work better, an not sure how you feel about en dashes, but think it might help the shift here?

    "Oh, just look at his little buggy eyes / he's high" -- period or comma after "eyes".

    And "cant" in line 13 is missing an apostrophe.

    Sorry if that seems really nitpicky. It was a great read, just thought if I comment, I might as well point out what I see.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-11-29 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      Can't waste good Bourbon, now can we? Jealous is right! Reminds me of camping below the rocks as a teen when we filled a big pot with a mixed brew of whatever it was we had to pour and then dipped our cups in to gorge on the intoxicating result. Detecting lumps and crunchies, someone shined a flashlight into the brew which had accumulated a good collection of thirsty little bugs such as the one you have written of. Thereby was separated the men from the boys (it all tasted good to me!). Thanks for the memory.
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Have you ever tried Booker's by Jim Beam ? It's 126 proof and although it's 50 bucks a bottle you can almost get high by stirring with your finger . Really good stuff ! I wonder what that bug thought of its last roller coaster ride down your throat . I believe I've eaten a few flies In my day also .
    Bruce
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      Now Dale... I remember you work... While this makes me want a nice stiff morning shot, and gave me and early smile... You did gently push me out of my portal to explore some new originals-- I'm now kicking you out of yours, lol. But I did glance at one of your writes last night... and I do remember dancing through it... I'll go chop you to pieces there...
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by Just Kel | [ Reply to This ]


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