[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Cheersdots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 425
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 708


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    There is a bug floating in my whiskey.
    Well, he's swimming around bumping the glass.
    He does not seem to be quite so frisky
    As he was just a few minutes ago.
    You know it is good Kentucky Bourbon.
    Hmm whiskey all the way up to my ass,
    floating around and paddling so slow
    go with the flow. Now I feel jealous, slurpin'
    from the damn glass is all I get to do.
    Oh, just look at his little buggy eyes.
    He's high. Wonder if he knew when he flew
    into my glass he might never again fly?

    Well! can't waste it, its just whiskey with crunch.
    This poor bug, he's just going to be lunch.

    Submitted on 2010-11-28 05:29:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    Sadly, people drowning in whisky doesn't have quite the same affect! This was a fun read: light, humorous, and from an insect's view no less.

    The swerve back to you was nicely played too.

    While I am none too familiar with writing rhyme, there were a couple of spots that seems a bit bumpy to me, along with some punctuation issues:

    Comma at the end of line 3 isn't needed.

    Comma needed at the end of line 6.

    "go with the flow. Now I feel jealous, slurpin'" -- I wonder if ". . . . Now I'm jealous -- slurpin'" would work better, an not sure how you feel about en dashes, but think it might help the shift here?

    "Oh, just look at his little buggy eyes / he's high" -- period or comma after "eyes".

    And "cant" in line 13 is missing an apostrophe.

    Sorry if that seems really nitpicky. It was a great read, just thought if I comment, I might as well point out what I see.

    | Posted on 2010-11-29 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      Can't waste good Bourbon, now can we? Jealous is right! Reminds me of camping below the rocks as a teen when we filled a big pot with a mixed brew of whatever it was we had to pour and then dipped our cups in to gorge on the intoxicating result. Detecting lumps and crunchies, someone shined a flashlight into the brew which had accumulated a good collection of thirsty little bugs such as the one you have written of. Thereby was separated the men from the boys (it all tasted good to me!). Thanks for the memory.
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Have you ever tried Booker's by Jim Beam ? It's 126 proof and although it's 50 bucks a bottle you can almost get high by stirring with your finger . Really good stuff ! I wonder what that bug thought of its last roller coaster ride down your throat . I believe I've eaten a few flies In my day also .
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      Now Dale... I remember you work... While this makes me want a nice stiff morning shot, and gave me and early smile... You did gently push me out of my portal to explore some new originals-- I'm now kicking you out of yours, lol. But I did glance at one of your writes last night... and I do remember dancing through it... I'll go chop you to pieces there...
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by Just Kel | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    To written by SavedDragon
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Giving written by jjd
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Linger written by saartha
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Incubus written by monad
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    This written by Chelebel
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]