Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Needlessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Queen_of_spades
    ASL Info:    21/F/Nocturne
    Elite Ratio:    2.79 - 95/166/107
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 703
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1145



    Description:
       This is from June 10, 2010; I just forgot to post in on Elite.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNeedlessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You tell me that I'm beautiful
    I'm talented
    I'm special?
    But through all the compliments
    I'm still starving
    without work
    and without food
    blaming that horrible thing called money
    I'm tired of feeling useless
    do my talents amount to nothing?
    you might call me an elegant mess
    a damsel in distress
    listening to the violins in my head
    while the hole in my stomach grows
    You might want to help me
    But I'll always tell you NO
    Can't you see I just want work?
    stress clouds my judgment
    stifles my creativity
    chokes my drive
    stress leads to depression
    I'm just trying to survive
    Don't look now
    the walls are closing in
    rent is due again
    I thought you were my friend!
    This is were you cancel on me
    the light is doused
    and I forget to breathe
    You told me I was special
    that I'm gorgeous
    I deserve to be free?

    So why is it that you don't want to see me succeed?




    Submitted on 2010-12-03 13:38:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i would cut the last two lines, ending with rhetorical questions takes away from the poem. i feel like if you just ended with "you told me that i was special, that I'm gorgeous" would be much more powerful. The ideas are all there i think there is a lot of potential and with some polishing could be a really moving piece

    ~Lillian
    | Posted on 2010-12-10 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      this actually made me think of a starving artist, who is almost making it but something just isnt quite right. looks like im going to have to go an read some more of your stuff!
    | Posted on 2010-12-03 00:00:00 | by scardnscared | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    188100

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Remedies written by MyPeriodical
    Scared written by MyPeriodical
    Canalizar written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Stance written by Daniel Barlow
    not alone written by Daniel Barlow
    The annointed one is persecuted. written by MyPeriodical
    A Donde Llegamos written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    HeroĆ­na written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    I am still sorry. written by MyPeriodical
    Next to you written by robbie
    Everyone written by poetotoe
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    Labor Pains written by MyPeriodical
    Human Progression written by ForgottenGraves
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    Quoth The Skies and its limits written by MyPeriodical
    Comparisons written by MyPeriodical
    Where is My Ghost written by ForgottenGraves
    Remember written by MyPeriodical
    To Be written by MyPeriodical
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    I am a sorry son. Part two written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Two hundred and seven times written by MyPeriodical

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry