[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Needlessdots

    Author: Queen_of_spades
    ASL Info:    21/F/Nocturne
    Elite Ratio:    2.79 - 95/166/107
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 579
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1145

       This is from June 10, 2010; I just forgot to post in on Elite.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    You tell me that I'm beautiful
    I'm talented
    I'm special?
    But through all the compliments
    I'm still starving
    without work
    and without food
    blaming that horrible thing called money
    I'm tired of feeling useless
    do my talents amount to nothing?
    you might call me an elegant mess
    a damsel in distress
    listening to the violins in my head
    while the hole in my stomach grows
    You might want to help me
    But I'll always tell you NO
    Can't you see I just want work?
    stress clouds my judgment
    stifles my creativity
    chokes my drive
    stress leads to depression
    I'm just trying to survive
    Don't look now
    the walls are closing in
    rent is due again
    I thought you were my friend!
    This is were you cancel on me
    the light is doused
    and I forget to breathe
    You told me I was special
    that I'm gorgeous
    I deserve to be free?

    So why is it that you don't want to see me succeed?

    Submitted on 2010-12-03 13:38:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i would cut the last two lines, ending with rhetorical questions takes away from the poem. i feel like if you just ended with "you told me that i was special, that I'm gorgeous" would be much more powerful. The ideas are all there i think there is a lot of potential and with some polishing could be a really moving piece

    | Posted on 2010-12-10 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      this actually made me think of a starving artist, who is almost making it but something just isnt quite right. looks like im going to have to go an read some more of your stuff!
    | Posted on 2010-12-03 00:00:00 | by scardnscared | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Bond written by saartha
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Push written by JanePlane
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    AI written by poetotoe
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    True Death written by layDsayD




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]