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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Venomous Biting Misty Thingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 311
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 929



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Venomous Biting Misty Thingdots
    -------------------------------------------




    I will admit to being slightly melancholy
    when the whispering voices were yet faint.
    Of course that was before the tapping sound
    began to pound and the crackling, peeling, blistering,
    had not begun to taint
    every inhalation,
    redolent in expectation
    of the pain the venomous biting misty thing would make.

    Yes, I will admit it; I miss the time
    when the whispering voices were yet faint.
    I admit to being slightly melancholy just before the tapping sound.
    Of course, that was before the chanting little wicked things
    told me what I had to do,
    to keep the venomous biting misty thing
    from biting you.

    I will admit I am really sorry now
    about the choice I had to make.
    At least the venomous biting misty thing
    will never find you
    at the bottom of the lake.




    Submitted on 2010-12-03 20:18:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      My what a fuss
    the protected make
    death left them unharmed
    because he arrived too late
    | Posted on 2010-12-04 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall, I like it. The ending made me smile.

    Now, why the long lines in S1 and S3. Could you try breaking after "melancholy", and after "time". I would think it might help set the mood.

    You seem to be a bit heavy-handed with the commas and are missing a period after the first 'faint' and I don't understand the rmotivation behind your line breaks. To me this:

    and the crackling, peeling, blistering,
    had not begun to taint every inhalation
    with redolent expectation of the pain
    the venomous biting misty thing would make.

    is more fluid, but then again what do I know. I read it out load the way yo have it and your line breaks made me take a breath. Maybe it just irks me visually.

    and now the comma-comment critique. I added one, and threw some away:

    Yes, I will admit it{,} I miss the time when the whispering voices were yet faint.
    I admit to being slightly melancholy
    just before the tapping sound.
    Of course that was before
    the chanting little wicked things
    told me what I had to do,
    to keep the venomous biting misty thing
    from biting you.

    Last verse, do you think if you changed "will never find you"
    to "won't find you" it would give the line a little more punch? Really the meaning stays the same.


    Nice to read your twisted compositions once again. ~C








    | Posted on 2010-12-04 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]


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