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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: So Beautiful and Innocent dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nicodemous
    ASL Info:    7-5-82/M/Hell
    Elite Ratio:    5.58 - 283/221/121
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 481
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 553



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSo Beautiful and Innocent dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The moment I saw you
    I knew right then
    That you were too good for me

    So beautiful
    And innocent; shining brightly
    You were hard for me to see

    Clearly

    In my mind I knew I shouldn't
    But my heart pleaded; take a chance
    And after I first talked to you

    I knew it was worth any risk

    To see your smile
    And taste it
    The flavor reminds me of dreams I once had

    Before drinking in too much reality





    Submitted on 2010-12-06 13:12:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      simple is good, but i think the ideas lack a duality of purpose so that this poem is a little one dimensional.

    the last 2-3 lines are the best, they sort of shift from one thought and segue (into) another, and that's cool.

    clearly is also another spot in the poem i liked for the same reasons. so, perhaps look for ways to incorporate those kind of shifts and moments that have duel purpose. and an attempt at some flowery moments wouldn't hurt either: be an artsy basta.rd and thoroughly confuse people with what you are trying to say.

    to unconfuse you. what i mean is that you can say something, and then you can say it in a poetic way.

    sometimes i go for the poetic approach, sometimes i go for the simple/poetic approach. isabella using simple poetic prose well, as well as anyone.

    the point being that i don't think it falls into my/your/her lap/s. you have to test and adjust and repeat that unto the fiftieth variation and if it starts looking easy then you might just have yourself a poem.

    db
    | Posted on 2010-12-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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