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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Blunder Wearing Tiedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ethan Brody
    ASL Info:    35 - M - Chile
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 440/205/78
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 920
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 853



    Description:
       Never have I seen so many things happening within a span of a year and though never have I been the quintessence of patriotism I can't for the life of me overlook this events. 81 people have expired today. It just saddens me when so many people have to perish for others to get a handle on what needs to be done. It seems as though people need to past away in order to fix things. I surmise that money will invariably be more paramount than life as it is.-

    As for this piece, stanza 2 seems visually odd but it was intentional. There were words that needed to be shortened and then again elite skills didn't allow me to use apostrophes like "Word" does. So I had to use Hyphens instead.

    I would love if you helped me with this piece. I'm interested in reading all kind of comments, even if you loathe it please tell me about it. I want to improve this in every way so just tell me what you think. I promise I'll check your writes.

    Re-posted

    A Blunder Wearing Tie
    -------------------------------------------
    By Ethan Brody

    A foreign mansion, a hot cold night,
    They would loose their sleep attires
    Though the smell would soon well up
    To make their minds perceive the vile.

    Some would see 't was not a jest
    'n' yell at those who could decide,
    Which would stay or soon would go
    for th'r' were many doomed to die.

    As noise get higher higher,
    All would soon lose their minds.
    Run, run, run with short steps!!
    But not moving much instead.

    It gets closer and it hurts,
    No space!! Christ!! 't is all outside!!!
    Kick, weep, and writhe
    For thy blunder and thy vile.

    All the suits are noiseless now,
    They keep silent for a while
    And speak little and go quiet,
    burn, burn, burn for a blunder wearing tie.




    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Blunder Wearing Tiedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A foreign mansion, a hot cold night,
    They would loose their sleep attires
    Though the smell would soon well up
    To make their minds perceive the vile.

    Some would see -t- was not a jest
    -n- yell at those who could decide,
    Which would stay or soon would go
    for th-r- were many doomed to die.

    As noise get higher higher,
    All would soon lose their minds.
    Run, run, run with short steps!!
    But not moving much instead.

    It gets closer and it hurts,
    No space!! Christ!! -t- is all outside!!!
    Kick, weep, and writhe
    For thy blunder and thy vile.

    All the suits are noiseless now,
    They keep silent for a while
    And speak little and go quiet,
    burn, burn, burn for a blunder wearing tie.




    Submitted on 2010-12-08 14:30:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well first off all Ethan I've been reading you for quite some time now, no comments but I have done my fair share of dibblin'and dabblin' with the piece of the Chilean earthquake disaster.But what stands out to me as of you be a poet but also a writer is that you have a profound tendency to know what you want as forms and key areas of a piece, which is like the poet being the director as for as I'm concerned and that is and incredible attribute.Plus there is your proper effort to describe what have you have done, what you want the reader to see or get a grip of and what is their take.First for my second look of the piece I noticed something at stanza 3, line 3 and stanza 4, line 2 and that is the exclamation marks after the first one that are there.I'm assuming that's because you wanted them there but for me it looks like a key area of a changing of tone based on the forth stanza which has three...What you have for the first paragraph of the description makes me think that this, the enitre poem itself is apart of your atmosphere in some shape or form.The uncovered references to ppl with 't', 'n' and 'r'.I can find that slight narrative, other than that I think it could excellent if it's revised but not too much into the process.A little more lengthy with just over a few alternatives.
    Overall the title is capable of having to stand on it's own, which indeed never takes away the interest your titles bring towards me if not any other writer here and then.....Your fine way of blending your mechanics make you someone who is always intriguing to read.

    Sloan.
    | Posted on 2010-12-10 00:00:00 | by RASloan | [ Reply to This ]


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