Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dominoesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tjsmith5
    ASL Info:    28/m/MS
    Elite Ratio:    5.49 - 109/231/124
    Words: 702
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 774
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 4664



    Description:
       Long poem but I think you'll find something in it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDominoesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When I was in high school,
    I had a small circle of friends;
    Louie, Dylan and Sandra.

    Louie was a baseball guy with a chiseled
    face and smile and the girls went to him
    without him trying.

    Dylan was overweight but still had girls
    because he could really talk.

    I had neither so I just listened
    to their stories over dominoes games
    and beer we sneaked
    from Louie's father's stash.

    Sandra was our friend too
    because the other girls
    didn't give her a chance
    and maybe that's why I liked her.

    She was short and a little pudgy
    with acne that came and went
    but to me she was cute
    and she wasn't walled up.

    Louie and Dylan didn't see it
    so they kept her at friends
    even though I think
    she wanted it differently.

    Then one day,
    Sandra thought it fun
    to date John, one of the five black guys
    that went to our school.

    We kept her around but
    Louie and Dylan made comments
    like "I guess Sandra's been bit
    by that Alabama black snake.
    I don't want that shit..."

    And neither did anyone else.
    The girls had always shunned her
    but now the few guys that would have
    taken her out never had much to say.

    But I knew John.
    We sat beside each other in Art class.
    John barely passed his other subjects
    but he wont the Art award
    at the end of every year in school.

    Once our Algebra teacher asked him
    why he didn't apply himself
    to his other studies and he said
    "I don't love them."

    Sandra and John only had a few dates;
    football games and movies
    and then they called it off
    because Sandra said
    "There wasn't anything there."

    But the rest of the year,
    no other guy approached her.
    And I found out later in life
    that it was the same way in
    Mississippi as it was in California
    or in England.

    Then one day we were
    walking down the hall together
    and she clutched my arm
    and smiled with big eyes
    as she squeezed her breast against me.

    Then everyone began to look
    at me the way the
    way they had looked at her
    and Louie and Dylan
    were guarded the next time
    we played dominoes.

    I went on my first date
    and it was with Sandra.
    She had lost weight over the Summer
    and I thought she looked better than ever.

    I had my first kiss
    and it was with Sandra
    and I confess that there were images
    of her lips wrapped around
    a frightening cock

    but in time,
    I grew out of that.

    We were together through high school
    and broke up when I went to college
    where my girl failures resumed.

    But I ran into John years later
    at a frame shop.
    He graduated with a Master's degree
    in Art and was teaching
    at a community college
    doing framing on the side.

    He rushed to shake my hand
    and hug me.
    He recalled my name and everything
    I every tried to draw.

    He asked about Sandra and I told him
    she had married a much older man
    and had two children
    and by all accounts was happy.

    We talked and he wanted my address
    to mail an invitation
    to his wedding in two weeks.

    I went and had myself
    a damn good time
    with new friends.

    Jackson, MS - 12/11/10



































































































    Submitted on 2010-12-12 03:21:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      RASloan has summed this poem up beautifully, vertually leaving me nothing to add except I really appreciated reading the work, and of the characters so well portrayed. Congratulations, but one thing more, --- the author comes across as someone I'd be rapt to have as a friend. Yassah! Ted.
    | Posted on 2010-12-12 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it's good and juicy on the accounts of life and the things that await us in future endeavors and to always be optimistic, hoping for the best.

    The situation with the ex girlfriend (Or the person who was of an interest at that specific time.) is what gives the subject so more appeal, which describes the turntables of life after an experience such as high school and how you see people related to you through friendship grow throughout the years.

    The main character it points to, you I'm assuming
    seems so ready to take on the thrills of life, revolving around what is ahead to come.
    The second to last part in particular.
    "We talked and he wanted my address
    to mail an invitation
    to his wedding in two weeks."

    I also like it the way it is a story and what you have done with the form to bring out the story, making it a sharp glimpse of reality.
    If it didn't have the 3,4,5 line setup to be honest in my opinion it would have been uneven in form so I like the setup you used.

    What makes it controversial you put a keen shimmering spot on the character making a reference to a dislike of race or something that deals with it, that also stood out to me which in fact I find it another "glimpse" of the real world and these feelings that ppl have about something such as race play a role in daily life, even in schools.

    There's this reflection side to it as of you looking back with the awareness of how you have grown as a person and individual with lines like:
    "When I was in high school,
    I had a small circle of friends;"
    "I had my first kiss" "I went on my first date."
    And so on.

    It's a wrapped with several things that can be looked at as themes like, nostalgia, friendship, etc.
    Well put together for a story that was straight to the point of you wanting the reader to see a situation of life after high school that is common
    with reflection of it.

    Sloan....
    | Posted on 2010-12-12 00:00:00 | by RASloan | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    188223

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The World written by jjd
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry