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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Gardenerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: master raz
    ASL Info:    28/M/England
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 65/71/19
    Words: 185
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 677
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1110



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gardenerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She tenders her garden with due care and grace
    Removing the weeds that have grown out of place
    There's a look of satisfaction spread over her face
    As she tugs at the roots with a frightening pace

    She turns over the soil to rejuvenate the land
    Making a hole, just like she had planned
    And drops in a seed from her elegant hand
    For a flower to grow, tall and grand.

    She waters the ground so it may grow
    A shoot, will rise up steady and slow
    And display for all what it has to show
    A flourish of colour, from the seed she did sow.

    And there it has stood, tall and bold
    As years have passed by this flower of old
    Surviving the winters and unspeakable cold
    Still beaming the colours of red, purple and gold.

    She tenders her garden with refinement and style
    Working long, hard days with no mention of revile
    And the only thing certain to make it worthwhile
    Is the sight of the flower, and the feeling to smile.


    By RBSmith




    Submitted on 2010-12-23 15:43:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      What a wonderful poem! It was an absolute pleasure to read. Below I have reproduced your stanzas with a few changes that I would like to suggest to maintain the rhythm and style of the poem. Any changes will /appear like this/.

    She tenders her garden with due care and grace
    Removing the weeds that have grown out of place
    There's a /due/ satisfaction spread over her face
    As she tugs at the roots with a frightening pace

    /This is a wonderful opening stanza and I particularly like the flow of the opening couplet. I would only like to suggest that "a look of satisfaction" has one syllable too many in the third line -- "look of" has two syllables where there is only room for one. In place of it I might recommend /due/ because it maintains the meaning and style of the stanza while fixing the syllable problem./

    She turns over the soil to /replenish/ the land
    Making /nests in the garden/, just like she had planned
    And drops in a seed from her elegant hand
    For a flower to /sprout up and/ grow tall and grand

    /I'd like to suggest a few corrections here to improve the flow. Replenish has the correct syllable count here. Also, a different word metaphorically suggesting "holes" might be appropriate to maintain syllable count. I chose /nests in the garden/, but I'm sure there are other ways to phrase it -- perhaps more visually. Finally, to maintain flow again, I suggest adding /sprout up/ to "grow tall and grand" because it restores both the stylistic balance and the balance of imagery./

    She waters the ground so /the seedlings/ may grow
    A shoot will rise up, /unsteady/ and slow
    And display // all /the beauty that/ it has to show/:/
    A flourish of colour, from the seed she did sow.

    /Here I just wanted to correct the subject of growth from the ground itself to the seedlings or seeds that grow from it. Also, I think it's important to specify or at least hint what the seeds are indeed showing (I selected "all their beauty" for its syllable count) - this better keeps the attention of the reader because it maintains the narrative balance and flow of the stanza./

    And there it /will stand/, tall, /proud/ and bold
    As years /will/ have passed by this flower of old
    Surviving the winters and unspeakable cold
    Still beaming the colours of red, purple and gold.

    /This is a beautiful stanza and I would only like to suggest that you maintain the tense of the poem from the stanzas that came before. I also suggest you add /proud/ or another one-syllable word to maintain syllabic flow./

    Overall, this is an absolutely beautiful anthem. You write with such economy of phrase and precision of imagery. This is a wonderful read and I especially like the complete, progressing narrative that your stanzas tell. Not many poets on here do that. Thank you for sharing and great job!
    | Posted on 2014-09-10 00:00:00 | by isselman2001 | [ Reply to This ]
      More than a woman planting flowers this piece brought to mind the sprit of womanhood . Something that seems to have survived all of the degradation we have heaped on it . Always vigilant yet forever hopeful she watches for her seed to bear fruit . Accepting the beauty it provides as the reason for living . Touching , really .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2010-12-23 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]


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