Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Sunshinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stefhy
    ASL Info:    21/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 165/83/37
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 356
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 468



    Description:
       Really Really Metaphorical.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Sunshinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once, the sun, he spoke to me
    Said he was tired of his glare.
    That all his fiery energy, had faded to it's bare.

    He didn't know, that in me, bestowed
    Was his heart and mighty smiles.
    And all his glow, is what lit my way,
    Through far and many miles.

    So I cried with him, and reached my hand
    Up into the sky.
    I placed him there, and kissed his cheek.
    I said to him, goodbye.




    Submitted on 2010-12-24 01:33:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey,

    Okay, first, I must mention that I am a major grammar freak. I felt that in the first line, a comma should be placed after "Once" and also the apostrophe in the third line for "it's" isn't necessary as (I assume) it is ownership.

    Also the third line in the second stanza
    "And all his glow, is what light my way"
    I felt that this line didn't make sense... Maybe it could be rephrased like
    "And that his glow is what lights my way"
    Or something like that.

    Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing!
    ~
    | Posted on 2010-12-24 00:00:00 | by EshyFishy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    188414

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry