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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Day to Sleep Indots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dancer-of-words
    ASL Info:    21/trans/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 167/158/74
    Words: 195
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 876
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1275



    Description:
       This could use some revision.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Day to Sleep Indots
    -------------------------------------------


    Oh, how sweet are the corridors of sleep!
    Of rest refreshing,
    and drowsiness darkly deep.

    The blankets and the sheets are thick and warm
    Must I really get up-
    and with duties conform?

    Soft sunshine's falling pleasantly on the wall
    under my window,
    while the robins call.

    Oh what a pleasant morning is this!
    All should be in bed,
    in drowsy bliss

    The sun is just beginning to appear
    casting pale sunshine
    on all things far and near

    The sky is just that sort of drowsy gray
    the clouds that sleepy pink,
    that kind of day

    when everyone should be sleeping in, gazing out
    their windows,
    for a minute, filled with doubt

    as if the day would ever really start
    so hazy the sun,
    as if in a world apart

    and a thousand misty mornings away
    shall it really ascend,
    and start a new day?

    It's that rare, dreamy morning to rest a moment more
    before jumping up
    and running out the door

    A day for earth to pause for the robin's song
    but it never does-
    just goes on.




    Submitted on 2010-12-29 14:35:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Ha! This was good! You have captured perfectly in poetry that strong hesitancy one has to arise when we'd rather be "sleeping in".

    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2011-01-01 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey,

    Haha, I actually am in bed right now and absolutely tired, hehe.

    Anyways, your poem... It is lovely I could picture a lazy, hazy early morning scene somewhere out in the far beyond... One thing I could not picture, however, would be a city, kind of suburban setting. For some reason I imagine this secluded, almost country scene. Especially in the third and last stanza, the line about the robin. You don't really see robins calling out in and about the city, do you? I actually don't know, but that's just my assumption.

    First line in the second stanza, the only thing I would change is:
    "...think and warm"
    Into this:
    "...thick and warm"
    And the rhythm does get a bit choppy, but personally, that is.something I can live with.

    I like the pictures that this poem paints and the rhyme isn't that boring at all.

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2010-12-29 00:00:00 | by EshyFishy | [ Reply to This ]


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