[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: A Day to Sleep Indots

    Author: dancer-of-words
    ASL Info:    21/trans/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 167/158/74
    Words: 195
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 876
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1275

       This could use some revision.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Day to Sleep Indots

    Oh, how sweet are the corridors of sleep!
    Of rest refreshing,
    and drowsiness darkly deep.

    The blankets and the sheets are thick and warm
    Must I really get up-
    and with duties conform?

    Soft sunshine's falling pleasantly on the wall
    under my window,
    while the robins call.

    Oh what a pleasant morning is this!
    All should be in bed,
    in drowsy bliss

    The sun is just beginning to appear
    casting pale sunshine
    on all things far and near

    The sky is just that sort of drowsy gray
    the clouds that sleepy pink,
    that kind of day

    when everyone should be sleeping in, gazing out
    their windows,
    for a minute, filled with doubt

    as if the day would ever really start
    so hazy the sun,
    as if in a world apart

    and a thousand misty mornings away
    shall it really ascend,
    and start a new day?

    It's that rare, dreamy morning to rest a moment more
    before jumping up
    and running out the door

    A day for earth to pause for the robin's song
    but it never does-
    just goes on.

    Submitted on 2010-12-29 14:35:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Ha! This was good! You have captured perfectly in poetry that strong hesitancy one has to arise when we'd rather be "sleeping in".

    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2011-01-01 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]

    Haha, I actually am in bed right now and absolutely tired, hehe.

    Anyways, your poem... It is lovely I could picture a lazy, hazy early morning scene somewhere out in the far beyond... One thing I could not picture, however, would be a city, kind of suburban setting. For some reason I imagine this secluded, almost country scene. Especially in the third and last stanza, the line about the robin. You don't really see robins calling out in and about the city, do you? I actually don't know, but that's just my assumption.

    First line in the second stanza, the only thing I would change is:
    "...think and warm"
    Into this:
    "...thick and warm"
    And the rhythm does get a bit choppy, but personally, that is.something I can live with.

    I like the pictures that this poem paints and the rhyme isn't that boring at all.

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2010-12-29 00:00:00 | by EshyFishy | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]