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    dots Submission Name: Dark Things dots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 436
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 890


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDark Things dots

    Little sprites from hell dance on talon feet.
    Humming birds whose poison beaks
    are tipped with the nectar of eternal sleep.

    Gummy bitter bugs spit up on the rug.

    Digging out living thorns with a butcher knife,
    subliminal scrapping of every tiny shard.
    The wasps are planting spiders in the yard.

    Livid eyes are glowing somewhere in the trees
    you can not really see them, but you know they are there.

    Quasi living slime begins to creep
    into waking dream so deep.
    The numbness of that other thing
    that is what has you scared.
    you want to turn the light on but you dare not move.

    The bed is changing now
    its taking inflected hissing breaths.
    You no longer care what your brother says

    its time to yell for Mom.

    Submitted on 2010-12-31 21:58:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    Haha, well...

    This reminds me of this one episode of Corner Gas. It's was a small part of the episode, saying how you can manipulate children to listen to you:
    1. Use their full name (they aren't used to hearing it, so it surprises them)
    2. <insert chore here> (eg. go to bed)
    3. If you don't <insert chore here>, you don't want to know what will happen (as in a "what's in store for you" kinda taunt)
    And it goes to say that the last bit is particularly effective because a child's imagination is so overly hyper active that they will picture the worst possible thing (like a vampire, or some other mythical being).

    Okay so, about the poem. This is one scary nightmare. Personally, I don't think I have ever had a fantastical nightmare or anything like that, like this one. (Usually my nightmares are either about murderers or social issues o_O)

    Because of the descriptions you have used, it is really up to the reader to picture these monsters (not saying that it is otherwise in any poetry), but depending on your knowledge of ghouls and creepiness, it varies, I guess.

    One tiny thing I would change:
    "The wasp are planting spiders in the yard"

    "The wasps are planting spiders in the yard"

    Haha, and the reference to family is great because it's relatable in that the older brother is always trying to freak out the younger sibling (or an older sister...) and it's a scene that most of us are familiar with, be it because of real life, or in movies/TV shows and such.

    And the last line... ties the whole thing up nicely. We know that this kid will (hopefully?) be saved by the almighty mother figure. And as said somewhere by someone, 'mum's the word!'

    Anyway, this is a really creative and fantastical poem, I haven't read anything like this since... since ages. D;

    Thank you so very much for sharing!

    | Posted on 2011-01-01 00:00:00 | by EshyFishy | [ Reply to This ]

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