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Author: Zai
ASL Info:    24/m/US
Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 66 /145 /98
Words: 215
Class/Type: Lyrics /Serious
Total Views: 819
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1134


I was listening to the end of a song by Eminem (forget which) and started writing this.

It was in a paragraph but I thought it'd be more presentable to make it look like a poem to show more easily how I was thinking this in my head.
It is meant to be 'rap-ish' and I'd like to know if it flows well without seeming forced. Thanks


Sometimes I think I think too much.
It's like a rush of emotion to crush me,
Every time I feel a plush pillow or dust off an old picture.
It's a mixture of shame and hate, rage and praise,
A blank nostalgic gaze in the rear view mirror.
I watch myself.
I watch myself hurting and learning the hard way the wrong way,
On the right path to the same way I was before yesterday passed.
And I say that it would be different in a new way,
Better then the day I tried to end the path through the gray,
With a path to the night when I tried to take my life.
That was a fright.
What did I do wrong that was so right?
That keeps me here and sparks a wild fire when I write?
I'm likely to live my life to the bitter, no good end,
No 'shoulds' or 'woulds', ifs ands buts or coulds can jusify the regret,
That I am who I was before.
When I was stuck at the door,
On the threashold of a plywood floor and a stone cold corridor,
Walking a future that was no more.

Submitted on 2011-01-01 20:30:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  this poem sounds a bit like robert of my favs....but also like plath...

my life seems to be going in circles..i keep ending up at the same beginning...

perhaps i am just too scared to go after whatever it is i need to go after...i stay safe and end up standing too long on the threshold..and then hate myself for being stagnant..

and one thing plath did in her writing was to be aggressive---she really let out her frustration and anger at herself not being more aggressive with her life...

writing is so good for that...
maybe some of us are just meant to be stronger of pen...and more reserved otherwise.

nice write.

| Posted on 2011-04-15 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice! I agree with Kat... Not forced, nice flow, very expressive!
| Posted on 2011-02-16 00:00:00 | by ShadowsnLights | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it. It doesn't seemed forced at all. >.> I'm not great with critiquing and such so thats all you're gonna get :P Good write.
| Posted on 2011-01-02 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it I go crazy for super lyrical content.
I could care less about form since it's this lyrical and expressed so potently.
It better for one to read it aloud than to read it to themselves otherwise the interpretation won't come all the way through.
Sweet and nice touch but also very revealing about yourself coordinating with past tense.
I'm spittin' this again.I find it what I call "juicy".
Thanks for sharing.

| Posted on 2011-01-01 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]

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