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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Undead is Forever dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 358
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1460



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUndead is Forever dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The monstrous visage of a deaths-head moon
    leers out from beyond the rampart heights.
    Leathery wings soar off in sudden fright,
    as a graveled shout roars out, stupid bitch

    you left them dead in blood-drenched beds! Remind
    me please how our marriage is not a curse.
    At this moment what would make it worse?
    Look you practically begged for that first bite.

    I am a caterwauling catamount.
    And you are an evil undead vampire,
    a bloodsucking fiend that I am so tired
    of cleaning up her mess after she feeds

    rotten to the core blood-whore. I am the Count,
    I have the money, I turned you, I rule,
    you grovel got it! Yes, I know I'm cruel.
    You my dear are about to lose your head!

    The cold hard stone of the castle crumbles
    marble statues fly at Count Drack.
    Time grapples within itself, pillars crack.
    Until finally madness calls out feed me.

    I could eat. I don't feel like Pizza Hut.
    Their drivers are fat they all give me gas.
    We could take the hearse out over the pass,
    hunt peasant, and have a moonlight picnic.

    It's settled then we're eating out tonight?
    No leather does not make you look fat dear.
    The red outfit with spikes? Very fearsome.
    Yes pussycat you can make the first kill.




    Submitted on 2011-01-02 03:47:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hmm... I however do not agree with the previous comment, vampires are not “going out of style” they have been around for years and will continue to be “in style” the only reason people are saying TOO MUCH! Now is because of those twilight movies, and how all the children are swooning over them. Anyway though! Lets get on with what I thought of your poetry shall we?

    “The monstrous visage of a deaths-head moon
    leers out from beyond the rampart heights.
    Leathery wings soar off in sudden fright,
    as a graveled shout roars out, stupid [censored]”

    I love the wording here, its beautiful. Although, the word “[censored]” at the end I would change that... no I'm not against cussing, but with such beautiful words it gives it a rough sounding when you add in [censored]. Also considering its something someones saying the correct punctuation would be “stupid [censored]!”

    “you left them dead in blood-drenched beds! Remind
    me please how our marriage is not a curse.
    At this moment what would make it worse?
    Look you practically begged for that first bite.”

    This stanza is wonderful don't change a thing!

    “I am a caterwauling catamount.
    And you are an evil undead vampire,
    a bloodsucking fiend that I am so tired
    of cleaning up her mess after she feeds”

    First off in this stanza “catamount” is not a word, and I'm not sure what you were meaning by that. Next “you are an evil undead vampire, a bloodsucking fiend “ kinda overkill with the same style words, try spicing things up! Lastly for this stanza “I am so tired of cleaning up her mess after she feeds” you go from talking to a person directly to saying “she” which is confusing to readers, we are thinking 'does she have a friend or something there too?'

    “rotten to the core blood-whore. I am the Count,
    I have the money, I turned you, I rule,
    you grovel got it! Yes, I know I'm cruel.
    You my dear are about to lose your head!”

    In this stanza it sounded good but again you took beautiful words and made them rough by adding cuss words. Other than that though it sounds awesome

    ?The cold hard stone of the castle crumbles
    marble statues fly at Count Drack.
    Time grapples within itself, pillars crack.
    Until finally madness calls out feed me.”

    This sounds nice, although were you trying to rhyme on likes 2 and 3? Throwing in a rhyme in randomly is okay, but make sure it don't seem forced!

    “I could eat. I don't feel like Pizza Hut.
    Their drivers are fat they all give me gas.
    We could take the hearse out over the pass,
    hunt peasant, and have a moonlight picnic.

    It's settled then we're eating out tonight?
    No leather does not make you look fat dear.
    The red outfit with spikes? Very fearsome.
    Yes pussycat you can make the first kill.”

    I like how it went from serious to funny on the last to stanzas, its like he puts back on his mask after his rant and continues his life. Overall I loved your poem it was beautiful and it had a lot of feeling behind it, it has great potential. Keep writing ~Ashley
    | Posted on 2011-01-03 00:00:00 | by AshleyDYoung | [ Reply to This ]
      Dale:
    I have heard so much about vampires recently you might say I'm dead tired . I say we stake the whole lot of them . Then we can partake in the undead feast in peace . Ah the ambrosia elixir it did to me up nectar .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2011-01-02 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]


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