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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Got It Gooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Fantastic Freya
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 133/160/47
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 725
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 928



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGot It Gooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    When spring came that year, we joined hands
    in a ring-a-rosy dervish; I
    giggling, you wondering how.
    I only notice now, from your Kodak blush,
    that the push of the crowd made you cower
    as you thrust your pigtailed prettiness before you:
    gold, like Maccabee's shield.

    We played pat-a-cake in the summer,
    cross-legged on concrete like beggars.
    You envied me my knees
    free of daubed mercurochrome;
    my home, too poor for even a coat of dust,
    but just a pocket full of seeds,
    not a coffin of secrets.

    I saw you flinch and twist
    as your wrist cracked under his hand.
    Leaves fell without pause
    and you did not break their silence,
    nor I.

    The autumn and I awoke
    to you: broken in the first snow,
    golden eagles spread saintly
    about your head.




    Submitted on 2011-01-05 23:59:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      sorry and another thought that occured to me..."my home too poor for even a coat of dust"

    sometimes we think we have it so bad, and then we see what someone else is going through and say to ourselves..."wow, and i thought i had it bad!"

    the speaker in the end seems to feel lucky...poor but safe? maybe

    anyway...this is how the poem spoke to me...

    and it really is still speaking to me...the kind of poem that etches in our memory...
    | Posted on 2011-03-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      oh the abuse...so sad...those who try to shield us from what they are going through...
    but the flinch...the wrist cracked...the silence, the unspoken pain of the situation...

    neither of us speak about it..."broken in the snow" i see an image here of her innocence damaged but with the background of the snow, representing purity...

    that which she can no longer have with her mercurochromed knees...the evidence of how childhood has been stolen..

    and the angels in the end could signify..that it went to far and now she is gone...

    there is such beautiful phrasing in this...

    i do like the near rhyme...it adds effect but also is subtle...i like when the rhyme sneaks up on us, so much so we may not even recognize it...

    this piece really tore at my heart...

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks Daniel. I am first and foremost a form poet, so escaping the neat little tricks of rhyme and meter are not easy for me -- I tend toward some kind of fusion now more than anything, but I'm sure that I do go a bit overboard sometimes :)

    I will have a look at the spots you mention, though I'm not sure the near rhyme of blush/push is enough to make me draw back from it... but then, I'm a rhymer, so I need that alternate perspective and I'll let it percolate for a while.

    Thanks again!
    | Posted on 2011-01-06 00:00:00 | by Fantastic Freya | [ Reply to This ]
      When spring came that year, we joined hands
    in a ring-a-rosy dervish; I
    giggling, you wondering how.
    I only notice now, from your Kodak blush,
    that the push of the crowd made you cower
    as you thrust your pigtailed prettiness before you:
    gold, like Maccabee's shield.

    i like the intro. it's direct like the narrative you sometimes get in movies (and i've always found that cool because it's like you're brought down out of the clouds and descended on one somebodies world)

    the i you phrasing is immediate and i like that.

    i'm not sure i like the end rhyme internal rhyme combo of kodak blush and push.

    if i remember rightly, from last night, it's something you did throughout the poem and here again it's drawing notice. it could be that kodak blush draws all the attention, it's not precise when maybe it needs to be and it's a bit borderline as a good phrase imo.

    thrust... you threw a thrust in there too and there's the danger that is obtrusive rather than being put to a purpose....

    i like the way you use the rhyme to ping off thrust but the addition of a third rhyme draws attention back to that phrasing.

    sorry to go on.

    that the push of the crowd made you cower
    as you thrust your pigtailed prettiness before you:
    gold, like Maccabee's shield.

    i love these three lines.

    push of the crowd
    cower
    thrust your pigtailed prettiness before you
    (i used to do that with sports at but then they gave me the awards, and i always hated that walk)

    it's a lovely line, as is the use of gold and mention of the dude's shield.

    too poor, even for a coat of dust.

    it's a nice way of relating something (humble, and that kind of stuff usually offered by someone who knows how to roll with the blows)

    the last 3 stanzas or not something i would critique,
    they are like something wonderful from a movie, imagination and where that might go, i like them, and a lot of poetry that way.

    i do like the transitions, perhaps it's just that i'm dense but i didn't catch or properly grab hold of the domestic violence aspects in this. it's because of the transitions and that you don't dwell in any one spot for long, next thing you know it's autumn.

    the brevity, and later discovery, grab hold of me.





    | Posted on 2011-01-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      banging. i like this.
    | Posted on 2011-01-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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