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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Drowning Citydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 508
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 327
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2954



    Description:
       So I found my "Good Copy Book" from grade seven. I have decided to post them on here for whatever reason... :S
    I'm not looking for comments, but if you do want to tear this apart, remember, I was eleven when I wrote this (:

    This piece was meant to be a descriptive piece taking an aspect from camp. I took location (Tauranga. It's a place in New Zealand ((best country :D)) and the hill is called Mount Maunga) So yeah.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Drowning Citydots
    -------------------------------------------


    WARNING: Please read the description if you haven't already done so! It will explain a lot. (:

    The ocean was a mesmerizing place. It was as if someone had thrown diamonds over spilt ink on silk. The waves were crashing and bashing against the rocks of the beach. Then slowly the waves would shrink back into the deep blue...

    Cassidy and Neville stood on the beach, staring and listening as the waves called them. Cassidy! Neville! Cassidy yelped as the calm waves rose very quickly, and the ground shuddered like an earthquake. It was no longer the ocean it had once been. It was now a terrorizing monster, screeching shouting for revenge on the beach and city of Tauranga. The wave paused and, and all was quiet and still for a moment...

    BANG!

    The wave hit the ground with the force of an earthquake. Neville pointed to a nearby hill.
    "RUN AND CLIMB!" Cassidy ran with Neville, but the foamy spray got to her. The ocean pounded the earth with a second wave. Rising slowly, so slowly...
    Cassidy and Neville had made it to the hill, but to their dismay saw many other people trying to climb up, leaving the two at the bottom. The water was waist high... shoulder high... then finally, neck high. As they were still trying to even get on the hill, a dead body floated past. It was their mother.

    Knowing that they lived near the beach and that she couldn't swim, this was expected, but the grief was as big as the tsunami's waves. The traffic on the hill started to move as someone slid down into the totally deep water which after another wave, became head high. Cassidy tried to help, but was too late. Neville started running, leaving a tired Cassidy behind. A downpour started, as loud as lions feasting on their meals. Cassidy slipped and tried to call Neville, but he was too far away. SPLASH! She had fallen in. Cassidy opened her eyes and saw the floating debris around her. Cassidy was held up in the thick water, trying to swim up. Instead, she drifted away. It was her dad.
    "I have bad news," he began gravely, as his wiry grey hair was being dried, "your mother was going to the cove for meditation- and you know how she can't swim, well the flood and tsunamis dragged the life out of her probably."
    "I know. Neville and I saw her float past," Cassidy told her father as they climbed up the hill. Finally, after the crowd had packed themselves onto the hill, many rescue helicopters flew about. And out of the blue, a very big rescue helicopter came. Cassidy and Neville were startled and stepped with their father into their new life. They stared at their drowning city, as the water level lowed down and people emerged from the waters of the houses, trying to clear away the chaos of, the mesmerizing ocean, as blue as it could be.




    Submitted on 2011-01-09 22:06:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ha, eleven is no excuse, you still can edit. Plus I gather u are no longer eleven? Overall I like the way you wrote this. Good imagery but you could do better with the receding part that comes before
    the tsunami. The kids reaction to seeing mum dead is too
    understated, you need more emotion there.
    Dad seems awfully calm too. Go through work on the reactions of your characters and make your scenes more
    vivid. You have a good start polish it up.
    | Posted on 2011-01-12 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]


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