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How


Author: grimmreaper
Elite Ratio:    8 - 122 /43 /23
Words: 323
Class/Type: Misc /Depressed
Total Views: 898
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 2168



Description:




How



I’m used to telling people
How often and how much
But not..

Why

I think about why.
Often my head
Is filled with the reason why.

Conversations with people
Form in my mind
Of me telling them
In the words best I could think of
To explain
Why I feel I have to

But

As good as it sounds in my head
Its never once
Left past my lips

I have written it down in journals
I’ve screamed it into my pillows
Cut it into my skin
Bruised it into my head
With my knuckles

I’ve cried the reason why
Onto my pillow
But I’ve never told
A single soul in person

Why I force my self to purge

What would I say?
How could I explain?

How do I give away
The biggest darkest part of me
In words that make sense to people?

How do you make some one
Understand you
Without them thinking your

Disgusting
Weak
Shallow
Self centered
Attention seeking
Exaggerating
Awful
Sick
How do I tell someone
That is closet to me

That deep inside
Behind this smile
And laughter

Is a girl
Who is hurting
And hating
Her self

How do you tell someone
That you are a fake

That you are obsessed

And that you are being controlled
By something
You do not understand

How do I tell someone I love
That despite
How much I fight it
It will never go away

That this will always be
A big part of me

How do I explain
What drives me
five times a day
I go into the bathroom
Set down my glasses
And shove my fingers
Down my throat.
Tell nothing inside of me
is left
Physically
and emotionaly






Submitted on 2011-01-15 16:21:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  A well dressed and well described piece here. It was a good read.
| Posted on 2011-01-17 00:00:00 | by Demister | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay I'm gonna favorite this so I can look at it more with a magnified glass on it.Not literally, I just wanna study it more.I read like that sometimes.
My first impression is me relating all the way because I use to cut and after I stopped I looked and shook my head at ppl who believe every person who cuts is doing it for attention or suicide when really that's not even the case.

I also relate to this small little fear of caution telling someone all your secrets that are dark and the things you did to yourself in the past without them thinking the slightest bit that your insane, lost, out of touch with reality before calling you a human being with mistakes.

There are some things I disagree with but I can comprehend the fact that any person who self harms is going to experience guilt and begin putting themselves down as it is this obsession to do so but that person just wants to understand death without it happening to them and be loved, appreciated and not called a freak for being different going through problems.

A question that sticks out to me is this:

How is it possible that I have hate for myself ?

The honesty leaps out at the reader, to see if the reader will judge the person or character.
The word fake having it's take in this piece must come from hiding what you do and wanting no one to know it so the person puts on faces pretending things are okay when they aren't.
If that's not why the word is there then I don't understand that specific part, forgive me if so.
So I see that as a challenge to understand before heavily criticizing without even knowing what the person has been through.

"And that you are being controlled"

Controlled must be referring to the dark demon that forces one to do wrong to themselves and the reason I interpret it that way is based on my old self when I found darkness to be sweet and worth sinking into every time I felt the need to.
So it's like a demon inside controls the way you look at things, at yourself, at others and where one could end up if they go down the path far enough.

Don't hate yourself, love yourself and love the fact that you can still live to tell what your problems are by confronting them.This seems to be a good start.
I hope you take my comments serious because I take this piece serious and did not want to over look it like most ppl here do because they feel they've heard the story before but that's not fair for someone to say that bc everyone has different walk of life.

Remember, your only human and everyone some time or another has to deal with bad issues whether they are the cause of it or not.
I believe you'll eventually grow from this and wound up having much better times in your life.
But overall what really stands out to me about this is that you took on the task to put it out there for many others to see, not many people who write about their darkest problems will do it because they focus on what people will think and I kinda use to be like that until a stranger told me to just follow my heart and do what you feel.
You certainly did what you felt here.

Just hang in there, don't give in letting the demons win.

RG
| Posted on 2011-01-17 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]


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