I share a lot of your feelings of self-hate and disgust... o.o Though I have never actually done what you described in the 12th stanza... (Here I am, afraid of saying the word) -_- Eating disorders are so hard to deal with! I'll pray for your strength to carry you through day by day... And you know, you're Beautiful!
Thank you for sharing your story... Not everyone has the courage to do so... It gives me hope that you can become even stronger! :D
Keep Smiling, That Smile Makes Someone's World Brighter! Keep Fighting, You Matter To Someone! (Me) And Keep Writing, It Gives Your Readers Hope! <3
This is a really deep piece. I wouldn't change anything about the format, the way you have placed pauses is powerful. I did notice a few typos, though, in the third line did you mean 'determined?' In the ninth stanza third line I think you mean 'inside.' You say that even on the nights you win, you know you've lost the battle. Why? Why can't the next night be the same, and the night after that? If you can do it once, then you can win, and why can't you win again? I'm afraid I didn't understand what you were describing (taking pills? I'm sorry) but that doesn't hinder the reader from feeling how you are trapped, hate yourself, and feel like you're not in control. I think many people can relate to this feeling, even myself, about strong habits one hates doing but does anyway. But even though it may seem like it is impossible to stop doing what you are doing, everything is a choice, and you are who you choose to be. I believe that if you work hard enough, you can decide to not do something, no matter what it is. Thanks for sharing, it is nice to realize that you're not alone in feeling like you're not in control of your own self-which is how I felt.