[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Fluttering, Failingdots

    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 401/217/62
    Words: 229
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 490
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1431

       Things are changing for me and when they do, my writing gets all too confessional. Meh.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFluttering, Failingdots

    Have I lost my heart, thrown it out into the snow?
    Have I lost my sensitivity, my ability to love?
    I have become numbed, like the heart that rests in snow.

    So many years, all passing deftly.
    With anguish I drew close to all who offered shelter;
    though in appearance I perched in solace and unruffled unbending.
    Finding no purchase I tried to take to wing; to fly colourfully, gracefully, without ending

    Without anger, pitched forth in harmful battles,
    I drew inside what wasn't mine to fathom,
    or to cradle:
    I became encased in layers of unseeing.
    Glazed eyes gazed out but only the mind was wakeful.

    How many sights I missed - the colour of your eyes
    when you screamed me to the edge of myself,
    pools of rain marring dark puddles,
    daisies waxing white in spring,
    the coming of dawn through sheaves of midnight blue.

    Now, I am afraid.
    I sit nights, sore hand mapping all the hurt with tapping keys.
    I mourn the years I missed, curled around my bitter substitutes for love.

    But do not cry for me. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy, a mournful wind through bare branches as they lie untended.

    I, the unending story,
    the thread thrust forth with no definite end
    am a piece of writing that could flutter or fail.

    Submitted on 2011-01-18 11:26:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Change is necessary, regardless of whether it is bad or good. I like that this is raw & open, not overly concerned with editing itself. From a technical standpoint, I don't think it needs much editing anyway. You have a solid grasp on language & how to use it in ways that both make sense & jar the senses to bring the language to a higher caliber. This doesn't read like just a confession, but a self-confession, like you're admitting your limitations & misses. It is sad & makes me think of someone who is too hard on themselves.

    "when you screamed me to the edge of myself," this line is just incredible. This entire stanza, actually, is just beautiful. & Substitutes for love can be unbearable, though I am never quite sure if they are better or not than being alone.

    The only criticism I have with the poem is the third line in the first stanza with "like the heart that rests in snow," it is almost an exact repetition of what you said in the first line & believe that the "I have become numb" is sufficient enough & already implies that you are talking about your heart in the snow. "But do not cry for me. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy" seemed to lack the originality of the rest of your words & phrasing. That's it. How the beginning alluded to a bird in a tree, & then this bit is an empty tree. It emphasizes a diminished state of being was really well done, though makes me want to try to cheer you up & offer reassurance.

    | Posted on 2011-01-25 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really know how to critic a poem about feels, because they are your feelings and only you know exactly how you want your words to be interpreted.

    Instead I will say that the set up of stanzas and the flow of words were easy to follow.
    The concept was a little more difficult to get with just one read, I had to read it a few times.

    I enjoyed reading this piece tho, thank you for sharing!
    | Posted on 2011-01-18 00:00:00 | by AllyV | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    True Death written by layDsayD
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Linger written by saartha
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Every..... written by jackz
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Fasade written by jackz
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Bond written by saartha
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    AI written by poetotoe
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Your Lover written by Cordell




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]