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    dots Submission Name: Fluttering, Failingdots

    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 401/217/62
    Words: 229
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 517
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1431

       Things are changing for me and when they do, my writing gets all too confessional. Meh.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFluttering, Failingdots

    Have I lost my heart, thrown it out into the snow?
    Have I lost my sensitivity, my ability to love?
    I have become numbed, like the heart that rests in snow.

    So many years, all passing deftly.
    With anguish I drew close to all who offered shelter;
    though in appearance I perched in solace and unruffled unbending.
    Finding no purchase I tried to take to wing; to fly colourfully, gracefully, without ending

    Without anger, pitched forth in harmful battles,
    I drew inside what wasn't mine to fathom,
    or to cradle:
    I became encased in layers of unseeing.
    Glazed eyes gazed out but only the mind was wakeful.

    How many sights I missed - the colour of your eyes
    when you screamed me to the edge of myself,
    pools of rain marring dark puddles,
    daisies waxing white in spring,
    the coming of dawn through sheaves of midnight blue.

    Now, I am afraid.
    I sit nights, sore hand mapping all the hurt with tapping keys.
    I mourn the years I missed, curled around my bitter substitutes for love.

    But do not cry for me. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy, a mournful wind through bare branches as they lie untended.

    I, the unending story,
    the thread thrust forth with no definite end
    am a piece of writing that could flutter or fail.

    Submitted on 2011-01-18 11:26:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Change is necessary, regardless of whether it is bad or good. I like that this is raw & open, not overly concerned with editing itself. From a technical standpoint, I don't think it needs much editing anyway. You have a solid grasp on language & how to use it in ways that both make sense & jar the senses to bring the language to a higher caliber. This doesn't read like just a confession, but a self-confession, like you're admitting your limitations & misses. It is sad & makes me think of someone who is too hard on themselves.

    "when you screamed me to the edge of myself," this line is just incredible. This entire stanza, actually, is just beautiful. & Substitutes for love can be unbearable, though I am never quite sure if they are better or not than being alone.

    The only criticism I have with the poem is the third line in the first stanza with "like the heart that rests in snow," it is almost an exact repetition of what you said in the first line & believe that the "I have become numb" is sufficient enough & already implies that you are talking about your heart in the snow. "But do not cry for me. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy" seemed to lack the originality of the rest of your words & phrasing. That's it. How the beginning alluded to a bird in a tree, & then this bit is an empty tree. It emphasizes a diminished state of being was really well done, though makes me want to try to cheer you up & offer reassurance.

    | Posted on 2011-01-25 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really know how to critic a poem about feels, because they are your feelings and only you know exactly how you want your words to be interpreted.

    Instead I will say that the set up of stanzas and the flow of words were easy to follow.
    The concept was a little more difficult to get with just one read, I had to read it a few times.

    I enjoyed reading this piece tho, thank you for sharing!
    | Posted on 2011-01-18 00:00:00 | by AllyV | [ Reply to This ]

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