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    dots Submission Name: Mellow Dramadots

    Author: NoMartyr
    ASL Info:    18/M/Michigan
    Elite Ratio:    2.51 - 33/97/91
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 836
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 746

       Hippy gone materialist

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMellow Dramadots

    Apparent reticence, harboring contention
    Disengaged, disavowed
    Words were made to speak out loud

    You've never not got what you want
    I've noticed, and I know this in this disposition:
    You've -reclaimed what's yours
    -buried what's yours
    -relished in it
    Traded your dreams for things

    And I see you squirming inside
    Inside, you're squirming

    Your tendency of gluttony toward all things material
    High upon your throne and safe well behind your wall
    The gravity of dissonance retracts on it's extruder
    It wont be too long before your ivory tower starts to fall...

    ...or consume you

    Submitted on 2011-01-19 22:05:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i really like this write, you have good control of the sounds the poem is making. it feels like a first draft though and i think you should sharpen the beats in the lines so the poem feels more consistent. example, consider this in the second stanza:
    "You never miss out on what you want
    I've noticed,"
    and think about maybe changing the full line so there's no comma: "I've noticed this in your disposition:"
    in the last stanza consider: "Your tendency for gluttony toward all things material"

    great write though, really enjoyed the voice in this
    | Posted on 2011-01-19 00:00:00 | by roycureton | [ Reply to This ]

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