Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Before I Learn to Flydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 283
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 359
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2020



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBefore I Learn to Flydots
    -------------------------------------------


    The child lay stunned
    on his clutching bed
    as the curare of fear
    took effect.

    He had seen that
    the general,
    the generals men
    and
    their jeeps, halftracks,
    trucks,
    artillery
    and tanks
    all
    were on duty in their base
    beneath his bed.

    King
    Kong was on the nightstand
    and a life size poster
    of
    Frankenstein's Monster
    stood guard over the room.

    If only he had not read
    "The Hounds of Tindalos"
    Perhaps then
    the water stain
    in the corner above his bed
    would not appear so smoke-like.

    Just as he imagined a proboscis
    congealing from the smoke
    his fear ravaged body
    lost
    consciousness.

    "Wake up sleepyhead,
    you are
    going to learn to ride that bike today."

    His heart stuttered, would this be like
    learning to swim?
    Dad had just tossed him off
    the cliff at Sunset Falls.

    "Get to the beach before you
    hit the rapids"

    rang once again in his head.

    It started out well enough
    he even got to wear a helmet
    and the hill
    was not that
    steep.

    He felt when dad let go.
    Faster, faster
    too fast-too fast
    brakes
    there have to be brakes
    trees
    why are there trees?

    "The doctor says no concussion
    and only two broken bones"

    "Sure dad
    I am such a lucky kid."

    He ran away when he was
    just thirteen years old.
    He never looked back.
    He had heard dad tell mom

    "tomorrow I will teach that boy
    to fly"

    He had left too quick to hear.

    "a model airplane"







    Submitted on 2011-01-22 20:53:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      
    I loved the punch line. It was unexpected & up until the end I wasn't exactly sure where this was going. You created great build up with describing the room, and the toys at attention, providing some comfort, maybe, from whatever lurks in the imagination. I remember practically jumping from the door way to my bed because I was positive something lived under my bed that would grab my feet should they be dangled in front of him. & the closet! It did not help, of course, that I have four older brothers who tormented me with ghost stories & other nonsense. So all that said, you bring out a readily felt & easily seen period that I think everyone can relate to, then you put this wonderful spin on it. Totally cracked me up.

    (One typo: "the generals* men" general's)
    | Posted on 2011-01-27 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      HAHAHAHAHA... Oh, that's funny, yes.

    Reminds me of the swimming lessons my step-father tried to give me at about school-age, when he decided that I had to get over my fear of water... only, at the lake where we went, I wouldn't let go, screamed and screamed until he gave up and told my mother to take me to a Y-class. I remember the instructor making all the kids get on the diving board and learn to jump off (feet first) and go under/come up, and I wouldn't jump. In fact, I not only screamed, I clung to the board with my arms and legs wrapped around it and had to be pried off and dragged away. They told her that if I didn't jump off, they couldn't have me in the class, so we went home that night and I remember she took a belt and beat me so long that it took about a month to go back to the class again because of the bruises showing on my swimsuit. And I remember the first day back, we had to walk past the pool to the changing room, and she'd warned me about embarrassing her by not jumping, so when I saw the water, I just automatically ran straight for the diving board, closed my eyes and ran right off the end of it with all my clothes on. And when they had to run in and jump in to get me out, and got me on the side of the pool again, I tore loose from them, ran back to the diving board and jumped in again. I think that's why I still have an overwhelming urge to jump off things... I was afraid of dying, sure, but I was more afraid of what was going to happen if I DIDNT jump... lol

    Parents... gotta love'em, we're genetically programmed to.
    | Posted on 2011-01-23 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah, the responsibilities of fatherhood in teaching your offspring to survive. Very suspenseful write. Now, if I can just get my own son away from his computer games long enough...
    | Posted on 2011-01-23 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    188955

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Records I written by Raphael
    Carry written by saartha
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The World written by jjd
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Cover written by saartha
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Love written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry