Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: purplesun24
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 1139/1171/167
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 453
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 833



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------




    I need to be near you
    within the proximity of your arms



    your heart...



    i want to hear it beating
    as i lay my head
    on your chest



    and



    when these dreams begin to fade



    i wake



    the sky seems torn in two
    as i count the steps it would take
    to close the distance
    between us



    will i ever wake to you
    instead of these shadows
    beneath my eyelids



    i'll keep hoping ...



    if i keep my eyes closed
    i'll be able to feel your arms around me...



    .




    Submitted on 2011-01-23 10:13:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey :-)

    How about a bit more?

    I reckon, with the emotion in here: you could really make us feel it - its almost like a fly on he wall documentary with some nice words, when I think you could really wrench out the meaning and the feeling with some angles, analogies, more poetry and less prose...

    There are a gazillion poems about love and yearning and all the things we all feel - so how can you make yours stand out - be different without being pompous or overly complicated, evoke emotion without the usual words in the usual places?

    Be cool to see

    And nice to see you :-)
    | Posted on 2011-03-15 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Very sweet. The truth is that we never seem to have enough time with our loved one(s), but we do keep our memories.
    | Posted on 2011-01-24 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      
    This is so sad. Distances are brutal sometimes, & to crawl in bed & just close your eyes, pretend that the distance isn't so big or maybe doesn't exist at all, is what hold you together. Some days, I guess. It's wonderful to hear the heartbeat of someone you love & the lack is a deafening silence.

    I really enjoyed this way you spaced this, & that the words themselves are sparse. It heightened the sense of loneliness & isolation. The only part I stumbled on was the

    "and



    when these dreams begin to fade



    i wake"


    The "when" implies that the following sentiments will be placed in future tense, rather than present. One thought would be to take out the "and" before the line "when . . . " so that the poem has two parts, one that is sorta dreaming of laying your head on his/her chest & then the "i wake" will take on a second part, naturally. If that made any sense. I don't think it did.

    Or, "when these dreams fade/ i will wake/ to a sky torn in two/ as I count the steps it would take" etc. Some ideas. The emotion is full on here & now I want to go hug my man. I hope the distance closes.
    | Posted on 2011-01-23 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    188959

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Are not cheap (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Fasade written by jackz
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    True Death written by layDsayD
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    AI written by poetotoe
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry