I reckon, with the emotion in here: you could really make us feel it - its almost like a fly on he wall documentary with some nice words, when I think you could really wrench out the meaning and the feeling with some angles, analogies, more poetry and less prose...
There are a gazillion poems about love and yearning and all the things we all feel - so how can you make yours stand out - be different without being pompous or overly complicated, evoke emotion without the usual words in the usual places?
This is so sad. Distances are brutal sometimes, & to crawl in bed & just close your eyes, pretend that the distance isn't so big or maybe doesn't exist at all, is what hold you together. Some days, I guess. It's wonderful to hear the heartbeat of someone you love & the lack is a deafening silence.
I really enjoyed this way you spaced this, & that the words themselves are sparse. It heightened the sense of loneliness & isolation. The only part I stumbled on was the
when these dreams begin to fade
The "when" implies that the following sentiments will be placed in future tense, rather than present. One thought would be to take out the "and" before the line "when . . . " so that the poem has two parts, one that is sorta dreaming of laying your head on his/her chest & then the "i wake" will take on a second part, naturally. If that made any sense. I don't think it did.
Or, "when these dreams fade/ i will wake/ to a sky torn in two/ as I count the steps it would take" etc. Some ideas. The emotion is full on here & now I want to go hug my man. I hope the distance closes.