I reckon, with the emotion in here: you could really make us feel it - its almost like a fly on he wall documentary with some nice words, when I think you could really wrench out the meaning and the feeling with some angles, analogies, more poetry and less prose...
There are a gazillion poems about love and yearning and all the things we all feel - so how can you make yours stand out - be different without being pompous or overly complicated, evoke emotion without the usual words in the usual places?
This is so sad. Distances are brutal sometimes, & to crawl in bed & just close your eyes, pretend that the distance isn't so big or maybe doesn't exist at all, is what hold you together. Some days, I guess. It's wonderful to hear the heartbeat of someone you love & the lack is a deafening silence.
I really enjoyed this way you spaced this, & that the words themselves are sparse. It heightened the sense of loneliness & isolation. The only part I stumbled on was the
"and
when these dreams begin to fade
i wake"
The "when" implies that the following sentiments will be placed in future tense, rather than present. One thought would be to take out the "and" before the line "when . . . " so that the poem has two parts, one that is sorta dreaming of laying your head on his/her chest & then the "i wake" will take on a second part, naturally. If that made any sense. I don't think it did.
Or, "when these dreams fade/ i will wake/ to a sky torn in two/ as I count the steps it would take" etc. Some ideas. The emotion is full on here & now I want to go hug my man. I hope the distance closes.
Submission Name: untitled
.jpg)
