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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: purplesun24
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 1139/1171/167
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 499
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 833


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I need to be near you
    within the proximity of your arms

    your heart...

    i want to hear it beating
    as i lay my head
    on your chest


    when these dreams begin to fade

    i wake

    the sky seems torn in two
    as i count the steps it would take
    to close the distance
    between us

    will i ever wake to you
    instead of these shadows
    beneath my eyelids

    i'll keep hoping ...

    if i keep my eyes closed
    i'll be able to feel your arms around me...


    Submitted on 2011-01-23 10:13:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey :-)

    How about a bit more?

    I reckon, with the emotion in here: you could really make us feel it - its almost like a fly on he wall documentary with some nice words, when I think you could really wrench out the meaning and the feeling with some angles, analogies, more poetry and less prose...

    There are a gazillion poems about love and yearning and all the things we all feel - so how can you make yours stand out - be different without being pompous or overly complicated, evoke emotion without the usual words in the usual places?

    Be cool to see

    And nice to see you :-)
    | Posted on 2011-03-15 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Very sweet. The truth is that we never seem to have enough time with our loved one(s), but we do keep our memories.
    | Posted on 2011-01-24 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
    This is so sad. Distances are brutal sometimes, & to crawl in bed & just close your eyes, pretend that the distance isn't so big or maybe doesn't exist at all, is what hold you together. Some days, I guess. It's wonderful to hear the heartbeat of someone you love & the lack is a deafening silence.

    I really enjoyed this way you spaced this, & that the words themselves are sparse. It heightened the sense of loneliness & isolation. The only part I stumbled on was the


    when these dreams begin to fade

    i wake"

    The "when" implies that the following sentiments will be placed in future tense, rather than present. One thought would be to take out the "and" before the line "when . . . " so that the poem has two parts, one that is sorta dreaming of laying your head on his/her chest & then the "i wake" will take on a second part, naturally. If that made any sense. I don't think it did.

    Or, "when these dreams fade/ i will wake/ to a sky torn in two/ as I count the steps it would take" etc. Some ideas. The emotion is full on here & now I want to go hug my man. I hope the distance closes.
    | Posted on 2011-01-23 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]

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