Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dust!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Joachim
    ASL Info:    75 Male RSA
    Elite Ratio:    5.39 - 361/264/178
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 761
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1117



    Description:
       A dry spell indeed sometimes


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDust!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dust!

    In the shimmering Midnight heat
    on the horizons of my mind
    dust devils scattering small echoes
    across the canyon walls of my Soul.

    Far off in the most hidden spaces of my memory
    playful childlike swirling eddies of dust
    impishly scurrying all over wondering at it all.
    My most sacred memories becomes revealed
    softly unearthed from its hiding places
    embedded aeon's in soft drifting sands
    covering the ancient mysteries
    The fabrics of My Universe.

    Ghostly memories swirling dust devils
    scurrying across the horizons of my realities
    leaving traces of long lost civilization
    covered with the soft drifting sands
    my imaginations of eternities.

    Sculpturing with tiny swirls
    my Visions from my dreams
    into ethereal deserts of my life,
    Shaping the reality I longed for.

    I am an Oases of Life.
    Shaped by Memories
    Long Gone.

    I am but Dust!

    I am.




    Submitted on 2011-01-28 07:10:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Have you read, "His Dark Materials" (a trilogy of fantasy novels by Philip Pullman)?

    I confess that I read the first (and maybe the second) a few years back (mainly to see what all the "fuss" was about).

    It revolves around the "Dust" that is the stuff of the universe, and therefore, your work here reminded me of it.

    The lines:

    embedded aeon's in soft drifting sands
    covering the ancient mysteries
    The fabrics of My Universe

    seemed especially to be speaking of the same "dark materials" that make up Pullman's world.

    I see that others have spoken of the dust devils as being memory. . . but to me I see both memory and creation here.

    This is an interesting write. I do however, concur with others who felt lost when trying to find their way through errors or ambiguities created by grammar choices. Is aeon meant to be shown as possessing soft drifting sands or are you speaking of more than one aeon? I am curious to know. . .
    | Posted on 2011-09-22 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot. Especially this part:

    Ghostly memories swirling like dust devils
    scurrying across the horizons of my mind
    leaving traces of long lost civilization

    Shouldn't it be "a long lost civilization"? Or you meant it like this, like you were writing it in the future and civilization was lost?
    | Posted on 2011-07-08 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      Being around those who are losing or have truly lost memory or memories gives me pause to wonder at how truly complex the mind's activities are in real time much less it calling up the last minute's or day's work then reaching back many years to recall some things most clearly while disjointed for most spots in between. I'm told short term is a totally different animal from long term.

    I have a family member who had a series of strokes leaving her with no short term memory while the long term remains for the most part just fine. Very strange as well as miraculous this mind of ours. Loss of memory is a sort of death, I feel, which causes me to also feel that some people die a little at a time, that lost moments of consciousness is going to wait in storage somewhere, where ever it is we ultimately end up in total, if that be the case at all as I have been taught to believe and therefore do.

    The belief is that at some point we shall have ultimate consciousness, remembering all as well as knowing all, or that such things as what we are concerned with now will no longer matter. Perhaps this is contemplated with, "my imaginations of eternities" here and now, glimpses of which we might try to capture as if holding so many precious jewels which are falling through our fingers. Our natural desire is that all such treasures will ultimately ours to share if not to own.

    But dust floats away with the slightest breeze as opposed to sand which sometimes will fall into shape before you. Both are of the same essence but one will winnow successfully while the other fly away. Alas, the finer the material, the harder it is to capture. Thanks for your thoughts once again.


    | Posted on 2011-01-29 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Before I start with the general advise let me say I really enjoyed this journey through the eddies and currents of your memory . I'm getting older and a lot of my conscious thought is dominated by visions of memories , or memories of visions . The swirling dust devils analogy really works for me . Artfully presented I might add . Unfortunately there are many minor errors that detracted from the presentation . I'll start at the beginning . I know capitalization might seem to accentuate a words meaning but it isn't grammatically correct to use it for this . You have done this several times in this piece : Midnight in the first line , then Mind in the fourth , later My Universe in the last line of verse two , Visions in the second line of verse four , Oases , life , and Memories Long Gone in verse five , and finally Dust in the last line . Although this could be considered minor or even idiosyncratic it is none the less improper usage of capitols . Next , "My most sacred memories becomes revealed" should read either memory becomes , or memories become , memories becomes is incorrect english . The fact that you have used "its" in the next line , as opposed to "their" makes me think it should be memory becomes . Then again perhaps you meant for it to be plural and should have used their with memories become . In the next line you have made aeon's possessive with the apostrophe , I think you meant for it to simply be plural (eg. aeons) , because I don't understand what it is supposed to possess (eg. Dana's apples) . In the third line of verse three it seems to me that civilization should be pluralized to civilizations , then again perhaps you meant to leave it singular in the midst of all those plurals , I don't know just a thought . In the first line of verse five "I am an Oases of life" the use of the word "an" implies that oasis should be singular , if you want to use oases you should change an to the or just or some other word that accommodates the plural oases . As for the last line of this piece I find you to be a vibrant and virile member of this poetic community regardless of the seemingly intractable nature of your vast memory .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2011-01-29 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    189051

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Live In Between written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry