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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Alterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1229
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1300



    Description:
       I have been working on this piece for several weeks. Critique welcome. Suggestions for a better title also welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Allow me just this:
    your hand
    my hand
    separate.



    1.
    I fell into a deep forest. My femur
    put forth roots. I did not say: oh Lord,
    take me from here
    like Rebekah, this is another
    barrenness.

    My mouth remained resolutely
    closed. The moss
    grew over me,
    in me.

    Oh Lord, I am scared.


    2.
    Mother is reading, brows
    at half mast. In the kitchen,
    Father organizes sardines
    on crackers. Home means
    this soft quietude.

    Five thousand six hundred
    miles away, I am watching a donkey.
    It stumbles on three legs; the fourth
    is loosely curled, like a child's fist.

    There are wild dogs in the fields beyond,
    waiting. I am a dog, waiting.


    3.
    The wind settles down
    into the moor. The purple heather
    lowers its head, then forgets.

    It seems natural, as if the wind
    was always there.

    My neck bent,
    I am lost in this.



    Wandering, my hands
    abandoned their shape.




    Submitted on 2011-01-28 21:48:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this. Although I'm not so sure about the lines with the donkey. They seem out of place somehow. Maybe you can edit that part a bit...
    | Posted on 2011-07-08 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      The intro and the first section are just lovely. I'm not going to have a go at the whole poem right now, but someone mentioned you were working on this...

    My mouth remained resolutely
    closed. The moss
    grew over me,
    in me.

    Oh Lord, I am scared.

    I don't particularly like the way remained resolutely
    is enjambed with closed. As it is, it seems to me like the two r's hit on the same thought- i can see how you might be going for a staccatto effect but it might be handy if you punctuated it that way,

    or

    i thought the line worked perfectly well / better endstopped.

    Another thing.

    The way you work with the tense shifts in the first section is excellent. In this section that i've highlighted for critique: i find the the and the my to be as static beginnings and it really seems to clang against the motion of:

    Oh Lord, I am scared.

    I guess, like the first section, maybe look for a way to ease into the transition, which suggests to me you need to add more words.

    That's all I got right now.

    *another thing would be:

    why are you writing this poem?

    I don't have to know what it's about as long
    as you give me the wonder of not knowing.

    And, maybe that will help.
    | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      I have read this a few times now, and my only nitpick is that I want 'I am a dog, waiting' to be its own line.

    Other than that I find this sparse and melancholic, and really enjoy the detail of it, especially the precision of femur as opposed to femurs and the loose fist, like a child.

    There's a dailiness juxtaposed with surrealism, I really find this quite enchanting and mysterious. It speaks to me on a strangely intimate level, you know?

    I sort of also want another part, between part three and the final italicised part, as I feel that there is a slight chasm between 'I am lost in this' and 'wandering', but at the same time the being lost and the wandering are a perfect fit, and I'm frankly too verbose in my own writing too much of the time. So you should probably ignore me there :)

    Anyhoo, sorry this isn't very helpful.

    Take care

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-01-29 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


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