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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: UNFINISHEDdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xxiknownowxx
    ASL Info:    16/F/GA
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 128/41/40
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 395
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 488



    Description:
       Its a start. I've really been having trouble writing, just tell me what you think of this so far, even if you think it's awful, please, give me honesty. I would explain what it meant, but its too long to describe.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUNFINISHEDdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A draft, it pinned me. It pinned me
    to the faucet; its drips whispering
    unseen understanding between the crevices
    of my ears.

    The circles they made were maddening; the sound
    a soft buzz reverberating, tapping
    at the windowsill as I devoured the pages,
    my fingers eating at them with starvation.

    With my corners stretched over a blank page,
    it had been too long;
    I had already begun to rot.




    Submitted on 2011-01-29 08:24:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Maybe if you laid this poem out differently, it would sound better.


    A draft, it pinned me. It pinned me
    to the faucet; its drips whispering
    unseen understanding between the crevices
    of my ears.

    The circles they made were maddening; the sound
    a soft buzz reverberating, tapping
    at the windowsill as I devoured the pages,
    my fingers eating at them with starvation.

    With my corners stretched over a blank page,
    it had been too long;
    I had already begun to rot.

    I don't really fully know what this means exactly, but there are moments that shine here despite. The first stanza is good, but by the second, the words seemed to become jumbled and out of order.

    A little placement play can be all a work needs to be at its best.

    I like that the title is called UNFINISHED.

    Funny how when a draught sits undone for too long, it usually sits on the shelf forever. Moral of the story: if you think you have something, rework, rework, rework!
    | Posted on 2011-02-17 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the last part starting with "As I" especially the last line.
    Are the line breaks intentional? When I read they make me pause and a I felt like I was pausing in strange places a few times.
    | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by SHEslaysME | [ Reply to This ]


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