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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Voice.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 428
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 533
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2658



    Description:
       What I put up with.

    And yeah, I know there are a million grammar errors. Bash it, seriously.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVoice.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    "It was evening already and the children were gathered around the fireplace," she began in a quiet, silky tone.

    "Well, you can tell it already sucks," someone called out. The girl was startled.

    "Why, whatever do you mean?" she peered through the darkness, searching for the source of the voice.

    "It's unrealistic. No one, and I mean NO ONE is going to read that B.S!" it taunted, "Who wants to know about kids sitting at a fireplace? Heck, who even does that anymore?" the voice sneered.

    She ignored his remarks and continued to read, "the snow fell gracefully and silently, as fragile as the remnants of a broken heart. The children were -," the voice interrupted again.

    "You are so cliché. A broken heart? Really? You have the least creative mind on the planet!" he called. She shivered, a movement not unseen by him, "ha, and you know it! Why do you even try?"

    "The children," she spoke in a louder voice, "were silent, the only noise was the faint crackling of the fire.
    "A woman entered the room, clad in a grey tweed coat and a skirt made of stiff cardboard-like material." she paused for a moment too long as the jeering started again.

    "Wow. Your vocabulary is so descriptive. I've seen five year olds write better than you!" he laughed.

    She tried to keep reading, but her voice wavered as she did so.

    "Her face was lined with wrinkles and her mouth was a thin line of flesh at the bottom of her face. She had cold blue eyes and her grey hair was wound into a tight bun at the top of her head. Her glasses were simple and silver.
    "The two kids shuddered at her presence, knowing that she bore bad news," once again, the girl was cut off.

    "Ha! That lady, the way you described her makes her some sort of beauty queen! And it doesn't matter anyway, compare any face with yours, the former will be the beauty queen, fictional or not!"
    He roared with laughter, "oh, oh and the only bad news I can anticipate here is YOU! You and your stupid writing 'dream.' Grow up! You'll never be good!" the voice echoed all around her and she lost it.

    "GO AWAY!" she screamed at him, "JUST GO!"

    She looked into the darkness to see if the voice was still there. She soon realised that there wasn't even anyone there.

    She was alone the whole time.




    Submitted on 2011-01-30 00:56:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Good concept, though your execution could be improved. Not to say it was bad, but if you can come up with ideas such as this, you can do better and I am fairly sure you are already aware of it. There are a thousand versions of “you” so there are a thousand versions of this, your job as the artist is the make sure you are displaying the most beautiful one you can conceptualize.
    | Posted on 2011-01-31 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      Let me tell you what I think is what happened;

    She has a dream, she wants to be the best writer she can, but there's a taunting conscience in her head seeming to be there-screaming out she has no chance, but it's all in her head and her herself is creating it.

    She just has a simple, lawless doubt that she will ever for-fill her goal.

    -Cici
    | Posted on 2011-01-30 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ]
      So you are a hearing voices now, join the club. I like the
    idea of this. It carries this tension, between what we seem to value and how our world appears to operate.
    | Posted on 2011-01-30 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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