[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: forevermoredots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 435
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1358


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    He tasted darkness as a child
    never noticing the prelude
    of gathering storm.
    The brightness of the sun
    was for lesser eyes.
    To him diamonds were just
    baubles and roses another
    shade of red.

    He tread Gothic hallways
    became a lost soul smeared with ash.
    Ash that now hides graying hair and
    cadaver brow.
    He met her one dark and gloomy night
    while contemplating the fearful symmetry
    of a grave.

    Her waist was thin gathered in
    by the tightest leather. There was
    a funereal charm to her red sunken eyes
    and a coquettish lurch as she tried
    not to stumble in her thigh high
    platform boots.

    Her hair was made of shadow but
    for one lightning streak of silver
    etched in red to match the brand
    she displayed on her cheek.
    She was so perfect! Like every
    dream of every darkling thing he
    ever desired.
    As a train rumbled by they stood
    eye to eye.

    She said " I got a bullet for your thoughts"
    He said "All my thoughts are already dead"
    She said "You will do"

    and they boarded the last train

    Submitted on 2011-01-30 03:02:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      And what a way to go! I'll not worry if "the last train" is a cliché' since it fits here so as to be the rule rather than anything trite.

    The "smeared with ash" thing is part of a religious rite which goes along with "Remember, man, that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return" or so the magic of google says. Lies I tell you, we are much more than dust alone. The same lies tell us that we are mortal. Train, boat or even a space ship, we're expecting to go somewhere.
    | Posted on 2011-02-04 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm… I am left with a positive impression. It seem to lag a little in some places, however, your descriptions are perfect. Just enough to make me fill in the blanks. I like that. I also loved the end, again you imply without forcing the image upon the reader. This is always good writing strategy, IMNSHO, because it allows for deeper connection to be made by the reader, whether or not they were ever intended or there in reality. I would watch getting too clichéd because you sort of danced on that line a few times (probably the parts that “lagged” a bit for me, if I was doing a truly in depth analysis.). Over all though I would say nicely done.
    | Posted on 2011-01-31 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]