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    dots Submission Name: forevermoredots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 551
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1358


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    He tasted darkness as a child
    never noticing the prelude
    of gathering storm.
    The brightness of the sun
    was for lesser eyes.
    To him diamonds were just
    baubles and roses another
    shade of red.

    He tread Gothic hallways
    became a lost soul smeared with ash.
    Ash that now hides graying hair and
    cadaver brow.
    He met her one dark and gloomy night
    while contemplating the fearful symmetry
    of a grave.

    Her waist was thin gathered in
    by the tightest leather. There was
    a funereal charm to her red sunken eyes
    and a coquettish lurch as she tried
    not to stumble in her thigh high
    platform boots.

    Her hair was made of shadow but
    for one lightning streak of silver
    etched in red to match the brand
    she displayed on her cheek.
    She was so perfect! Like every
    dream of every darkling thing he
    ever desired.
    As a train rumbled by they stood
    eye to eye.

    She said " I got a bullet for your thoughts"
    He said "All my thoughts are already dead"
    She said "You will do"

    and they boarded the last train

    Submitted on 2011-01-30 03:02:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      And what a way to go! I'll not worry if "the last train" is a cliché' since it fits here so as to be the rule rather than anything trite.

    The "smeared with ash" thing is part of a religious rite which goes along with "Remember, man, that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return" or so the magic of google says. Lies I tell you, we are much more than dust alone. The same lies tell us that we are mortal. Train, boat or even a space ship, we're expecting to go somewhere.
    | Posted on 2011-02-04 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm… I am left with a positive impression. It seem to lag a little in some places, however, your descriptions are perfect. Just enough to make me fill in the blanks. I like that. I also loved the end, again you imply without forcing the image upon the reader. This is always good writing strategy, IMNSHO, because it allows for deeper connection to be made by the reader, whether or not they were ever intended or there in reality. I would watch getting too clichéd because you sort of danced on that line a few times (probably the parts that “lagged” a bit for me, if I was doing a truly in depth analysis.). Over all though I would say nicely done.
    | Posted on 2011-01-31 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]

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