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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Gazing Updots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 667
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 445



    Description:
       I'm thinking more could be done with this, & DAMN titles.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGazing Updots
    -------------------------------------------



    we lie down in the grass on our backs.
    beyond the winery the streetlights are mired in fog
    & so there are no stars,

    or, as the stars would say, there is no earth,

    just a single homesick firefly lit on a grass blade,
    just our fingers curled & clutching,
    this dark our outermost hide,

    & under it true skin.




    Submitted on 2011-01-31 18:06:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      we lie down in the grass on our backs.

    i like the we straight up, it's motion, momentum, a motioning from the very first word, defining this is us, come with us, we are free.

    i like simple when it has been thought out.


    beyond the winery the streetlights are mired in fog

    i, like others, pretty much love this poem,
    it's like seeing behind it, looking at the blueprints of how you set it up, thinking damn the thing can fly. i guess i'm refering to the scansion for nits nats and weak spots.

    i place this ramble here because this line is the only part of the poem i did not like. mired in fog seems like a tired expression, not cliché at all, or as much, just worn out because these days so much of everything is mired in something. so i'd look at that.

    & so there are no stars,

    i love this line best in all the poem.
    there's a grandness in it that you can read, like: so God made the heavens and the earth....

    i took it that way and found it just lovely.


    or, as the stars would say, there is no earth,

    and here, it's that you change the perspective, it's hard not to sound like a know it all ass when you're getting excited about words, but i do, i get excited.

    i love how the line that i mistook sort finds its place with the earth in this. for me it recalls the god statement, i don't know if it was intentional, but i'd like to think that it was:

    you are a writer, you are a strategist, a manipulator, you move the words that do what they do, so i like the thought, i believe you capable, i like the thought that through association you can phrase something and insert just a few key elements to break new ground while also working with something that is known.

    i don't know, but i like that a very few words and how they are positioned, should do a lot of work.

    just a single homesick firefly lit on a grass blade,

    i dig the sonics here too,
    singles in shorts and stabs, the half rhyme of sick lit, no with cat in the hat. little things, little touches, and why? well, the movement, it's transition and building toward something, in this case the intimacy of....

    just our fingers curled & clutching,
    this dark our outermost hide,

    & under it true skin.

    the closing lines are lovely.

    going back to the God thing,

    not only is it romantic and lovely, but there's more if you want it. Gazing up, as opposed to navel gazing. It's a spiritual statement or at the least a statement about appreciation, so i like the way the poem has a veneer. i think what i'm saying is that this strikes me as a better poetry that often holds more. it holds more than you can immediately fathom why. why why why did it move me, why did it bust me. etc etc.

    you cannot see everything straight away. i scanned and the absence of arguing points was what lead me. i think it's a pretty fine poem that you should barely touch.
    | Posted on 2011-02-11 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      beautiful peice.. everthing i've read of yours so far is just breathtaking.
    | Posted on 2011-02-02 00:00:00 | by blackbird | [ Reply to This ]
      or, as the stars would say, there is no earth...

    Wow.



    | Posted on 2011-02-01 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      There are some lovely details in this. I'm especially liking homesick following stars, and hide following dark, which gives that hide a nice double-meaning, gives me a little pause. The specificity of winery, too, appeals to me. It sort of grounds this, and in relation to the unseen stars is clever, too. Provides a nice balance.

    You've captured a simple moment beautifully.

    One nit: I stumbled on the & so in your first stanza. That wording feels a little clumsy, to me. Perhaps replacing it with a semi-colon? Though that upsets the movement into 'or, as the stars would say...', so, hmmm.

    The sonics in 'curled & clutching' are lovely.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-02-01 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree... ' as the stars would say...' is killer. in the best possible way.

    i always have this idea in my head about bending grass back with someone and just being. doesn't ever quite pan out. so it's nice to read something lovely about its realness on occasion.

    i love the single bit of light here with the firefly, too. they always make me smile with their tiny magical bellies. (best part of summer me thinks).

    seriously... i dig your writes.
    | Posted on 2011-02-01 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      Reminds me of a poetic twist to Van Morrison's Brown-Eyed Girl,, which is a good thing so don't take that the wrong way. And the line, 'or, as the stars would say, there is no earth'... divine. Simply divine.
    | Posted on 2011-01-31 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


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