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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deliverancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 787
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 519



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeliverancedots
    -------------------------------------------



    the box holds tiny fruits
    from the trees behind the house
    like hearts of various creatures.

    I will eat one tonight, one tomorrow
    &, after ripening on the sill
    that corners the morning sun,

    I will eat the one that you tended yourself:
    slice it open & lick the dark halves
    that nourish its oval pit. each day

    I will suck these plump tongues
    that speak in absence of you.




    Submitted on 2011-01-31 18:14:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      fruits, ripening, window sills...

    plump tongues that speak in absence of you...

    sexy!

    i could see this poem on a postcard sent to the one who is actually away...

    remember me..yes, i remember you as i bite into the succulent fruit...

    i agree with aly on the "sun corners" line...

    i guess i am not helpful or critical enough here..

    cause i just like this the way it is...

    as i do most of yours.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-05-16 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I was born from a gentle rise
    in the left trouser-leg
    of my father

    my mother's kiss formed me into a fish

    inside their volcano of approval
    I discovered a legendary
    moonsplit plum where I slept
    an eternal history
    of nine months
    in the land of trembling water

    the great earthquake of my mother's body
    was my first poem

    | Posted on 2011-02-02 00:00:00 | by blackbird | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you have a minor subject/object issue in your second and third stanzas, the after ripening...I will eat. Just a tiny nit that made me hesitate over that part.

    The sill cornering the morning sun is a delicious turn of phrase :) And for whatever reason I love the word oval. Maybe because it feels so fertile, such an abundant shape, you know?

    And that fits nicely, here, that idea of fertility, the darkness and plump also speak to me of fertility, but there's bleakness, too, with the sun cornering light and the absence.

    It's almost erotic, this one, but ever so quietly, you know? So you almost don't notice, but it's there.

    I like the line break/stanza break with each day/I will. Gives a nice separation.

    I'm gonna ditto Jen and say deep waters. This one has layers and layers, which make rereading it a pleasure.

    Take care

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-02-01 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really beautiful. I planted plum trees a few years ago when I came here, none have ever really grown or produced. In fact, nothing here grows except loss, there seems to be an abundance of bad karma in this clay soil.

    But I know the feeling of having other things you use that have some memory attached, and consuming the last part of something that will be forever gone... but you might as well enjoy it, since it was left for you in some sad way.

    Very deep waters in this write.
    | Posted on 2011-01-31 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


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