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    dots Submission Name: ticklishdots

    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 401/217/62
    Words: 30
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 521
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 189

       just to post something

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    you breathe, resting beside me now.
    the dawning light finds us here,
    beneath layers of down
    and soft fits of sleep -
    this morning has feathers.

    Submitted on 2011-02-04 21:11:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      ditto to what the girls said. add another fan.
    | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so lovely. It makes me think of this german word, which doesn't translate too easily into English: ausschlafen, or out sleep. It's for those times when you wake up because you've slept enough, not for an alarm, or a pee, or because Mr Upstairs was bieng noisy. Just because you're done, and ready to wake.

    And when you have that, so you wake up in a good mood, the morning is as soft and lovely as you describe here. Like feathers. And it has that floaty quality, which also fits in with the idea of feathers.

    I agree with Santi's thought re the repetition of me now/me here, and her simple edit would make a big difference in keeping this tight.

    I do like the unspecific morning though, how it hangs, it has immediacy with a vague quality, so, yeah.

    I like the idea of being beneath layers of sleep, like sleep itself is a blanket or a duvet to just pull up and curl up in. It's apt, and pretty, too.

    This is such a quietly happy poem. I'm glad I woke up to this :)

    How are you keeping over there?
    | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      p.s. love the title. Really this shines. It just makes me feel warm & content.
    | Posted on 2011-02-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that this is just great. I am a HUGE fan of short poems, mostly because I like the immediacy their impact can bring & also that they are, to me, more practical to write down. Dallying over a longer poem is just too much some days. This captures the here & now, but with the same amount of focus & need.

    I love it just the way it is, & especially the last line, which is where the punch is; where you feel it in your heart or stomach, but here are some thoughts:

    "the dawning light finds me here," I kinda wonder if "us" instead of "me" might work better, only because with the poem being short as it is the "me now/me here" seems too close together.

    I also want something to specify "morning" in your last line. Like: "this morning" or "the morning".

    This is a treasure that is light & full, sincerely as is.

    I'm glad you posted just to post. Maybe you'll make a habit of it.
    | Posted on 2011-02-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]

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