you breathe, resting beside me now.
the dawning light finds us here,
beneath layers of down
and soft fits of sleep -
this morning has feathers.
| ditto to what the girls said. add another fan.||| Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ] || This is so lovely. It makes me think of this german word, which doesn't translate too easily into English: ausschlafen, or out sleep. It's for those times when you wake up because you've slept enough, not for an alarm, or a pee, or because Mr Upstairs was bieng noisy. Just because you're done, and ready to wake.|
And when you have that, so you wake up in a good mood, the morning is as soft and lovely as you describe here. Like feathers. And it has that floaty quality, which also fits in with the idea of feathers.
I agree with Santi's thought re the repetition of me now/me here, and her simple edit would make a big difference in keeping this tight.
I do like the unspecific morning though, how it hangs, it has immediacy with a vague quality, so, yeah.
I like the idea of being beneath layers of sleep, like sleep itself is a blanket or a duvet to just pull up and curl up in. It's apt, and pretty, too.
This is such a quietly happy poem. I'm glad I woke up to this :)
How are you keeping over there?
|| Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ] || p.s. love the title. Really this shines. It just makes me feel warm & content. ||| Posted on 2011-02-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ] || I think that this is just great. I am a HUGE fan of short poems, mostly because I like the immediacy their impact can bring & also that they are, to me, more practical to write down. Dallying over a longer poem is just too much some days. This captures the here & now, but with the same amount of focus & need. |
I love it just the way it is, & especially the last line, which is where the punch is; where you feel it in your heart or stomach, but here are some thoughts:
"the dawning light finds me here," I kinda wonder if "us" instead of "me" might work better, only because with the poem being short as it is the "me now/me here" seems too close together.
I also want something to specify "morning" in your last line. Like: "this morning" or "the morning".
This is a treasure that is light & full, sincerely as is.
I'm glad you posted just to post. Maybe you'll make a habit of it.
|| Posted on 2011-02-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ] |