ticklish
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Description:
just to post something
ticklish
you breathe, resting beside me now. the dawning light finds us here, beneath layers of down and soft fits of sleep - this morning has feathers. |
Submitted on 2011-02-04 21:11:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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ditto to what the girls said. add another fan.| | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ] | This is so lovely. It makes me think of this german word, which doesn't translate too easily into English: ausschlafen, or out sleep. It's for those times when you wake up because you've slept enough, not for an alarm, or a pee, or because Mr Upstairs was bieng noisy. Just because you're done, and ready to wake. | And when you have that, so you wake up in a good mood, the morning is as soft and lovely as you describe here. Like feathers. And it has that floaty quality, which also fits in with the idea of feathers. I agree with Santi's thought re the repetition of me now/me here, and her simple edit would make a big difference in keeping this tight. I do like the unspecific morning though, how it hangs, it has immediacy with a vague quality, so, yeah. I like the idea of being beneath layers of sleep, like sleep itself is a blanket or a duvet to just pull up and curl up in. It's apt, and pretty, too. This is such a quietly happy poem. I'm glad I woke up to this :) How are you keeping over there? | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ] | p.s. love the title. Really this shines. It just makes me feel warm & content. | | Posted on 2011-02-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ] | I think that this is just great. I am a HUGE fan of short poems, mostly because I like the immediacy their impact can bring & also that they are, to me, more practical to write down. Dallying over a longer poem is just too much some days. This captures the here & now, but with the same amount of focus & need. | I love it just the way it is, & especially the last line, which is where the punch is; where you feel it in your heart or stomach, but here are some thoughts: "the dawning light finds me here," I kinda wonder if "us" instead of "me" might work better, only because with the poem being short as it is the "me now/me here" seems too close together. I also want something to specify "morning" in your last line. Like: "this morning" or "the morning". This is a treasure that is light & full, sincerely as is. I'm glad you posted just to post. Maybe you'll make a habit of it. | Posted on 2011-02-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ] | |
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