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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Never.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Death
    Total Views: 724
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 467



    Description:
       :L
    bored. bash it.

    everything just got more difficult... );


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNever.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I never noticed how white the ceiling was
    As white as those crisp sheets mum put in her bed each morning.

    I never felt how soft and warm my bed at home was
    It was just somewhere to lie down and forget the world.

    I never listened to the rustling of trees properly
    And how they whispered in hoarse tones in the wind.

    I never realised how many people I had affected
    When I left the world that day.




    Submitted on 2011-02-05 22:14:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      maybe mum put the sheets on her bed rather than in it?

    there are many things we never notice and i dont know what it is that actually makes us notice.

    my father never says or does anything to indicate that he loves me. hes just not a feeling oriented person. but when i got back from ethiopia all upset and crazy because my husband of 4 months was still in ethiopia my dad decided to throw a lil shindig on the 4 month anniversary of my wedding [that he never attended because it was in ethiopia]

    he could never say i love you louder than that night... he cooked up a chicken and kept me supplied with beers and sang me songs to keep me from crying [my father is a TERRIBLE singer...]

    i guess... what im failing to say is that we never realise a lot of things despite them being right under our nose.

    and while this seems a whole lot like a suicidey checking out piece there is potential for it to be a whole lot more...

    like when you hear songs about people falling in love and seeing the sky is an aamzing colour of blue and the grass is so green and eerything is so clear and beautiful... people dont notice that when theyre really down and struggling with the daily breathe in breathe out routine...

    okay.
    im gonna shut up now.
    hang in there doll.
    | Posted on 2011-02-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Life is full of realizations. This reminds me of that old saying "you don't know what you got until it's not there anymore" or however that goes. You get what I'm going for. Your lines & stanza structure are very clean in this & it makes for wonderful reading. It also allows the poem to build on itself without rushing.

    The first stanza is just a great opening. There is something so perfect about clean sheets & the deep sleep they can bring. They are one of those things that can be missed without realizing it.

    I think Aly noted the same spots that I felt were a little weak, tho I wonder about the full repetition of "I never" to begin each stanza. Maybe reserve it to mark bigger transitions in imagery?

    "I never noticed how white the ceiling was
    As white as those crisp sheets mum put in her bed each morning,

    how soft and warm my bed at home was.
    It was just somewhere to lie down and forget the world."

    & then to use "I never" in full with the next stanza about the trees. I loved the "and how they whispered in hoarse tones in the wind". I think taking out the first "in" would be enough to let the line read smoothly.

    & just an idea for the last stanza which struck me as needing the most attention. Maybe making some simile between you & the wind to tie these last two stanzas together? Endings are hard.

    I really enjoyed this, the details, & the reason this exists.
    | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      I have some suggestions to tighten this up a little bit.

    The refrain I never is a good'un, but I think the repetition of it calls for there to be a lack of repetition elsewhere in the poem. So I'm thinking that opening with your mother's bed and its crisp sheets shouldn't be followed with you realising how soft your bed is, as it makes that opening feel tired.

    I like the crisp sheets, whereas I find finding a bed soft a little...typical?...after it, so maybe have a play with that line...

    I also think that the properly at the end of your first line in the third stanza loosens this up too much, I think the line would stand fine without it.

    I love that next bit, with the trees whispering in hoarse tones (hoarse is such a great word)-- but again, you have a repetition with the word in. Maybe it could make its hoarse tone through the wind?

    The end feels a little trite after what comes before, and reading your opening, I'd say that you can definitely come up with something better. Maybe an unusual way of speaking about the people you affected?

    Your very last line is great in its abruptness, and I love how vague yet specific that that is, when you talk about that day. I'm not sure I feel the fact of your death needs any further explanation-- as it is it can be either a metaphor or a statement of fact, it's open and I like that. And I think tiring it out with explaining it would make this too, oh I don't know the word, but you know...

    I'm really liking what you've got so far. I hope you don't mind my suggestions :)

    Take care,

    Aly

    | Posted on 2011-02-06 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Morning. Good self evaluation poem sounds - of Silence - no real regrets but "missing something" of value. The last stanza is a bit unclear. How did you leave this world if I may ask>

    regards Jm.
    | Posted on 2011-02-05 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]


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