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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: olddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 23
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 1019
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 170



    Description:
       I've always wanted to do snapshot and so I wrote this in a coupla seconds. This is my last post on here for now. My journal entry on my user page explains all.

    Bash it. Idec anymore, you know? I was never really any good at poetry.

    Bai you guise


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsolddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A dusty polaroid
    Tinged mellow gold-
    A hayfield
    A sunny day
    A blue dress fluttering in the wind
    Your hard gaze

    Memories.




    Submitted on 2011-02-10 01:21:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Alright, to start I think it's fairly repetitive.

    The 'gold' you refer to, is mentioned not only in the second line, but also in the third, and fourth. I see others commenting on how "nice the imagery is", but they don't mention the fact that everything seems too "yellow". The blue is a stark contrast, which I agree flows well in the poem, but I'd like to see some other colors? Perhaps, instead of "A hayfield" you would put "A grassy prairie"

    The letter "a" is also far too repetitive. It takes away from the poem quite a bit, and I agree with AlyRose on that respect.

    I did enjoy the imagery, but there seems to be a lingering there that needs to be explained. Give us more of a When, and a Who. Maybe more than two people? Explain more on the "Your" in the second to last line.

    "Memories" Of what? Just the blue dress and hayfield? Or are there more pictures? More memories? Draw it out. Paint us a picture.

    More contrast would be nice. "A sunny day" could be countered with "A white cold" as if the land were under a blanket of snow.

    I suppose I'm selfish in my reading, and wish to read more, more, and more. I like long, drawn out details. then again, sometimes short and sweet works well. I guess I don't really like it as much as I feel I could because I don't connect well to the poem. I am after all, a city girl. I've never been in the countryside other than the mountains (which I live in now). Maybe some people can relate, but I cannot. Perhaps it's supposed to be personal? I don't know, but I think it should be more general, so to speak.

    I guess what I'm saying, is I want to see *YOUR* point of view, and not something I can create out of my head. I'm tired of reading what's left to my interpretation. I like to get into people's minds, and feel their experiences. I like to get a sense of surrounding, and lose myself in something other than myself. If that makes any sense...?
    | Posted on 2011-02-10 00:00:00 | by Kitkara | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I particularly enjoy how this focuses on describing the images of a snapshot & lets the images give the mood & feeling, until "Your hard gaze" which is great. It's abrupt & has a perfect effect.

    & actually, I like the fact that you're using the neutral & general "a". I'm not even sure why, exactly, but maybe because it frees it up to be anywhere, of anything. I also like that the blue dress could either be on the person who is gazing, or maybe not. It's a little mystery, but very visual.

    The only part I might suggest changing, is taking away the "memories". A dusty polaroid already hints at memories & I really like the affects of that "Your hard gaze". It'd make a killer ending.

    Over & Out Dudette.
    | Posted on 2011-02-10 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      I love snapshot pieces, their simplicity, how concisely they can evoke a moment.

    The juxtaposition of the brighter images and the hard gaze is excellent. It's just abrupt enough for this to feel ended, if that makes sense, and to startle somewhat, while still holding itself well within the rest of the piece.

    I have a small nit pick- I think your repetition of 'a' takes away a little, makes this less tight.

    Maybe something like this:

    A dusty polaroid
    Tinged mellow gold-
    A hayfield;
    A Sunny day;
    (My) blue dress fluttering in the wind;
    Your hard gaze.

    Memories.

    I put memories in italics because I think that adds further weight to the word. I sort of imagine it being read a little heavily.

    The balance between my and yours- I think that type of thing can help to ground a piece and make it more relateable.

    The rhyme between day/gaze/memories is lovely. Subtle and natural, but ever-so there.

    Also, perhaps to make this less listy, how about connecting the hay field and sunny day? Like 'a hayfield on a sunny day' or something? That would makes the shortness of 'Your hard gaze' starker, too. But that's a super small nitpick.

    I'm digging the idea of mellow gold after dusty- something about it is unusual, and precise and deliberate. It has a bit of quirk.

    I hope you don't mind the suggestion. They're just some thoughts.

    I also hope you don't stop writing. You have a natural talent with words. It'd be a shame to not use it, you know.

    Take care,

    Aly :)
    | Posted on 2011-02-10 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      in 23 words, you captured a feeling.

    that takes talent.

    i can absolutely picture this... with my own fillers of course.

    well done, that.
    | Posted on 2011-02-10 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      



    sometimes memories take all kindsa forms.
    the opening of your piece reminds me of the first verse of this most beautiful song..

    the mellow gold ages the photo though also works well with the hay and the sun which is sneakily awesome [i havent used words or english for a few months now so these little things amaze me while im finding my wordage once more ]
    | Posted on 2011-02-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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