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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Requiem For Lady Lazarusdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 676
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1008



    Description:
       this is the first thing ive written in 8 months, go easy on me...this is a rough first draft. i feel that this is ne that i will be working on for years.

    the beginning and end are a little weak...ur thoughts are welcomed.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRequiem For Lady Lazarusdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My quill weeps-

    Languid, it meanders across this solemn sheet,
    suffocated with white, incorrigible, sage-like.

    The opaque air is thick and knots in my filament- throat,
    this heart, violent, an unrelenting requiem;

    the furnace that birthed the phoenix-
    my fingers soiled with ashes, the residual colossus,

    the drawn veins of azaleas sodden with the ink of dawn;
    of a thousand scorched suns-

    I am a zygote; rooted in the wilderness of your womb.
    You are my mother, my zenith- the moon flowering
    incandescent over a field of stars.

    Life is an art, like nothing else; a triptych of death-
    lost to the tapestry of unrequited self- with no theatrical return, no showing of scars, no one to unravel hand and foot.

    Its 4:30am- and,
    the universe dissolves iridescent on my heaving tongue, as
    my quill etches this requiem for Lady Lazarus.




    Submitted on 2011-02-11 04:56:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Heya jp :)

    This is, I think, the last comment I'm leaving on this poem of yours, as it seems to me to be so very close to perfect.

    I want to do a couple of thing, in this comment.

    Firstly, I want to reiterate my thoughts regarding that gently in your first line; and re that and in your second stanza.

    This poem works because you're throwing images at us, unrelenting, it makes my heart race, a little, and the rhythm of it is what gives it that effect. It's quick, and elsewhere in the poem you lack these ands; that is part of what is making this poem so very good, you know? That's what gives it this rhythm, this relentlessness, what sucks the reader into this whirlpool of images; that's where the potency lies.

    So I just wanted to give you the poem edited, to have a looksee at:

    My quill weeps-

    languid, it meanders across this solemn sheet,
    suffocated with white, incorrigible, sage-like.

    The opaque air is thick; it knots in my filament- throat,
    this heart, violent, an unrelenting requiem;

    the furnace that birthed the phoenix-
    my fingers soiled with ashes, the residual colossus,

    the drawn veins of azaleas sodden with the ink of dawn;
    of a thousand scorched suns-

    I am a zygote; rooted in the wilderness of your womb.
    You are my mother, my zenith- the moon flowering
    incandescent over (a) field of stars.

    Life is an art, like nothing else; a triptych of death-
    lost to the tapestry of unrequited self- with no theatrical return, no showing of scars, no one to unravel hand and foot.

    Its 4:30am- and,
    the universe dissolves iridescent on my tongue, as
    my quill etches this requiem for Lady Lazarus.


    in order that you might see how much more potent this is without what I like to call filler-words. How that rhythm starts, immediately, compels the reader to continue; and makes this probably one of the most potent writes I have read on this site.

    I also wanted to point out to you this, knowing that you are insecure: all the edits which have been suggested by santi and me are minor; they are only a tightening up. Your original words stand, intact, and still we think this is great piece.

    I guess there is a place for your ornateness-- this poem is one of them. That ornateness is your voice-- I'm thinking now about a poem of yours I read, I can't remember the name, about sex, stallions ploughing fields, you know the one? How there the ornateness of your words was great, and here it is, too. There is a place.

    I read a lot of the comments you received, about your elaborate language, and my thoughts on it are this: if that's your voice, then that's your voice. So maybe rather than writing about things which perhaps need a subtler tone, write about things where your words and their potency fit, you know?

    So you can have your voice. And you can make it work. And you can write. Beautifully.

    Last comment on this, I swear!

    I just wanted to say those coupla things...
    | Posted on 2011-02-11 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Yup, this is looking really good jp- those little edits have made this so much tighter, it was a real pleasure to read, the rhythm of it, the staccato-type potency of your words tugging me into this like a whirlpool.

    I have a couple more suggestions (again!) to further this effect.

    Once more with your opening: I was musing on that, and I think that removing that gently would be great. I think it's implied, with the word weep, which I always see as a gentle thing; and confirmed by the word languid, also by meander; and to remove it would make this stronger, a starker opening.

    As for your ending/opening being weak: I disagree. I like how it forms a circle, we start off where we begin-- and I think your ending is excellent. It's that '4 am'- it's so direct, and that juxtaposes well with the rather more Baroque style before, sort of like a coming back to reality, you know?

    Do you mean for there to be a comma after throat, before this heart? I think a comma would be good, rather than a full stop, in continuing with this list of images you're presenting us with-- adds to that whirlpool effect I mentioned before. Realises your own word: unrelenting.

    the drawn veins of azaleas sodden with the ink of dawn

    I don't think I mentioned in my last comment how glorious I think that phrase it. It has the perfect balance of ornate language and daily language, it's compelling because of that specific 'azaleas'-- and the sonics are fabulous :)

    I also like how you follow sodden, which makes me think of wetness, with scorched-- there's this double-tone in this, it's part life, part death, and for a poem for Plath I think it's excellent, very apt. So much creativity coming from such morbidity-- you get that across, describe both facets of her being, and interweave them perfectly.

    The listing of these vibrant images, how you bring it to an abrupt halt with I am a zygote-- jp, that's just fabulous. It gives me time to take a breath before you move us into the next chapter; jars slightly, so I'm out of the whirlpool and focused again, you know?

    The next part reads like this to me: in a way, a creative, verbal way, Plath is pregnant with you-- you are absorbing her words, her talent, learning from her, feeding off her, you know? Like she's passing her gift and love for and with words down to you...

    That rooted doesn't need a capital, I think. Semi-colons are generally followed by lower-case.

    I also dig how you refer to her as a moon. It echoes many of her own words, her own relationship with the moon, so it's a good reference; and it also reminds me of her death-- these words of hers are now just echoes, you know, like the moon which is just an echo of light. And how you place her among other writers, but make her the brightest. It's good.

    That Lost after triptych- I think that could also be lower-case, to be honest, and that Showing.

    This is an aside, this part, the sharing of wisdom gained, and I like that in a poem. It's a dark aside, too-- I dig darkness :) It's bleak, you're saying she won't be coming back, this is the end.

    How you then take us back to you, bringing this full circle, like I said before- and that simple 'it's 4 am' is such an image in an of itself, because now I know you're writing, alone, it's late, dark, quiet. It speaks volumes.

    That The universe also doesn't need a caps.

    The sonics in dissolves iridescent are lovely. I can feel that dissolve, you've made it palpable with your alliteration.

    And the end itself- it's simple, which is perhaps why you feel that is weak, but I think it's great. It's like the calm after the storm, you know?

    So, sorry for bugging you with more suggestions. Your revisions thus far are great. This is going to be an excellent piece, and a fitting tribute to a great writer.

    Take care,

    Aly



    | Posted on 2011-02-11 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Yay, I'm so glad you posted! I enjoy reading you, you have a great vocabulary & use it.

    "I am a zygote; Rooted in the wilderness of your womb." I love this line. It's just fantastic.

    I think in many ways you are the antithesis of me in regards to poetry. Where mine is mostly unadorned, yours is ornate; where my ideas are often just underdeveloped, yours are just overdeveloped. I think we're both attempting to find the middle ground.

    One thing I would like to see from you, in general, is for your poetry to build up more. A lot of it starts off very bold & dense, as tho introducing the idea of a poem, & it's almost like sensory overload. I really enjoy that you have a style, & that it is this very rich verbiage tho, just a matter of unleashing it at the right moments.

    This might not be considered "going easy on ya" but what about taking off:

    "My quill gently weeps-

    Languid, it meanders across this solemn sheet
    suffocated with white, incorrigible, sage-like."

    &

    "as
    my quill etches this requiem for Lady Lazarus."

    I feel like the poem is giving an introduction & conclusion that is not needed, I guess.

    "the drawn veins of azaleas sodden with the ink of dawn;
    of a thousand scorched suns-" is another beautiful line, especially the part of azaleas & veins. Have you ever looked at a flower or leaf in a microscope? Pretty incredible stuff.

    I especially like this:

    "Its 4:30am- and,
    The universe dissolves iridescent on my heaving tongue,"

    & the theme is a timeless one that every artist will approach, because they must. So yeah, great lines here. I just glanced over my comment & realized I'm quoting far more than I usually do.
    | Posted on 2011-02-11 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      An immediate thought re your opening, to tighten it up a little:

    My quill gently weeps-

    (as languid,) it meanders across this solemn sheet.

    That reduces the repetition of adverds, their ly, and makes the rhyme of weeps and sheet stand out more. It also connects the two parts, and makes them feel more immediate.

    Also, how about, to match the tone of this: incorrigible, sage-like? Without that and, it just feels a little tighter.

    But those are minor nits.

    I'm liking what you've done-- I feel your ornateness is somewhat muted, in this, or more balanced, you know?

    The idea of a sheet of paper being suffocated in white is great- and I like what it implies about how your writing on it will affect that, free it, in a way. It's an unusual way to express that idea.

    The opaque air is thick, it knots...- just small edits like that will tighten this up a lot, you know?

    I like the juxtaposition of violent and unrelenting requiem, the harshness of violent with the softness of what comes next. They play well off one another.

    Typo on the next bit: you say birth where I think you mean birthed.

    I have a thang for phoenixes. I want one tatooed on my back.

    My fingers soiled with ashes- again a small change, but it makes this more immediate, more palpable, ups the tempo somewhat.

    I like the idea of being a zygote in a womb which is a wilderness- it's speaks to me of freedom, in there, wildness, the unknown.

    over (this) field of stars? To locate this a little...

    I like how dark your next part is, and how that plays off the azaleas, the wildnerness, the veins and fire-- it's somewhat startling, while fitting the tone, and balances nicely.

    I like the placing of 'it's 4 am'- that grounds this, a little, makes it more real, if you get me.

    I'm thinking iridescent (on) my heaving tongue, I sort of stumble over the sounds, otherwise. But that keeps up the tempo, you know?

    I like the themes of life and death in this, the tone of helplessness, the potency of the words matching the mood you're setting-- this feels well thought-out, well executed.

    I think you need some grammatical tidy-ups, more consistency with capital letters and the such, but yeah, this is good JP.

    Take care,

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-02-11 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


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