[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: aranciadots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 28
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 381
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 212


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    the sun has
    shaken from
    it's gilded bough

    an orange-
    little-winged and
    round in my hand

    the force
    of my lips

    Submitted on 2011-02-11 20:36:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Can I just repeat Santi's comment verbatim?

    Yup, I'm dittoing her.

    I love how understated this is, and it's a surprise coming from your usual ornateness. This one doesn't need a lot of grand words-- what you're saying speaks for itself.

    But you do have your usual flair for imagery here-- the symmetry between the sun and the orange is sublime, and I like what that implies, emotionally, about your relating to the orange, like it's a ray of sunshine.

    The part about wings makes me imagine that this orange appeared like an angel or a bird, just flew into your life. Something like divinity, or magic. I like that undertone.

    So all those parts, and the gilded bough, make me think of gold, and golden things-- but you do this in a way which makes me see this gold while being unaware of it. It's a backdrop. I dig it.

    There is something carnal about your last part-- it kind of shakes things up a little, startles. It makes me think of sex, to be honest, and of wildness, the wildness we all carry. It speaks to me of desire. But all that in this understated why -- like you're not trying to get us to think that, the words are there, they just are.

    I'm also gonna ditto Daniel and say that the prelude/description bit is unneeded. This poem speaks for itself.

    Really good job jp :)

    Take care,

    | Posted on 2011-02-14 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      indeed the shadow of the sun
    in all its citrus glory
    has gifted us with cool sweet rays
    at least that is my story
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I love how the sun in the first stanza is reflected in the orange, like interchanging symbols & how the motion of the sun with the bough recalls ready to be picked fruit. & I like the idea of the orange being "little-winged". Now I'm craving the fruit.

    But what I especially like is that it is rather soft & gentle, simply describing, but then takes a turn with the last stanza, ending the poem on one sudden movement. It's a bit carnal, kinda aggressive, & hungry.

    I don't think it need tweaking at all.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      also, i didn't read any of your ramble. i'm sure it would have interfered with my enjoyment of the poem: this is.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this, it appears mystical on the page,
    the sharp enjambments,
    it is the mythical
    swallow of softness down ones throat.

    (stifle your giggles, your gay-thoughts)

    the only thing i'd do is remove the yielding to

    leaving just,

    yielding the force of my lips

    which speaks to the attraction.

    this is amazing, so pertiful.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      Did you start eating it without peeling it first?

    Did you mean gilded, instead o f glided?
    | Posted on 2011-02-12 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Bond written by saartha
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    To written by SavedDragon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    This written by Chelebel
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Giving written by jjd




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]