[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: aranciadots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.12 - 366/360/153
    Words: 28
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 359
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 212


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    the sun has
    shaken from
    it's gilded bough

    an orange-
    little-winged and
    round in my hand

    the force
    of my lips

    Submitted on 2011-02-11 20:36:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Can I just repeat Santi's comment verbatim?

    Yup, I'm dittoing her.

    I love how understated this is, and it's a surprise coming from your usual ornateness. This one doesn't need a lot of grand words-- what you're saying speaks for itself.

    But you do have your usual flair for imagery here-- the symmetry between the sun and the orange is sublime, and I like what that implies, emotionally, about your relating to the orange, like it's a ray of sunshine.

    The part about wings makes me imagine that this orange appeared like an angel or a bird, just flew into your life. Something like divinity, or magic. I like that undertone.

    So all those parts, and the gilded bough, make me think of gold, and golden things-- but you do this in a way which makes me see this gold while being unaware of it. It's a backdrop. I dig it.

    There is something carnal about your last part-- it kind of shakes things up a little, startles. It makes me think of sex, to be honest, and of wildness, the wildness we all carry. It speaks to me of desire. But all that in this understated why -- like you're not trying to get us to think that, the words are there, they just are.

    I'm also gonna ditto Daniel and say that the prelude/description bit is unneeded. This poem speaks for itself.

    Really good job jp :)

    Take care,

    | Posted on 2011-02-14 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      indeed the shadow of the sun
    in all its citrus glory
    has gifted us with cool sweet rays
    at least that is my story
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I love how the sun in the first stanza is reflected in the orange, like interchanging symbols & how the motion of the sun with the bough recalls ready to be picked fruit. & I like the idea of the orange being "little-winged". Now I'm craving the fruit.

    But what I especially like is that it is rather soft & gentle, simply describing, but then takes a turn with the last stanza, ending the poem on one sudden movement. It's a bit carnal, kinda aggressive, & hungry.

    I don't think it need tweaking at all.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      also, i didn't read any of your ramble. i'm sure it would have interfered with my enjoyment of the poem: this is.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this, it appears mystical on the page,
    the sharp enjambments,
    it is the mythical
    swallow of softness down ones throat.

    (stifle your giggles, your gay-thoughts)

    the only thing i'd do is remove the yielding to

    leaving just,

    yielding the force of my lips

    which speaks to the attraction.

    this is amazing, so pertiful.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      Did you start eating it without peeling it first?

    Did you mean gilded, instead o f glided?
    | Posted on 2011-02-12 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Every..... written by jackz
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Etiquette written by saartha
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Love written by saartha
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Ache written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Push written by JanePlane
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    Carry written by saartha
    True Death written by layDsayD
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]