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    dots Submission Name: aranciadots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 28
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 357
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 212


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    the sun has
    shaken from
    it's gilded bough

    an orange-
    little-winged and
    round in my hand

    the force
    of my lips

    Submitted on 2011-02-11 20:36:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Can I just repeat Santi's comment verbatim?

    Yup, I'm dittoing her.

    I love how understated this is, and it's a surprise coming from your usual ornateness. This one doesn't need a lot of grand words-- what you're saying speaks for itself.

    But you do have your usual flair for imagery here-- the symmetry between the sun and the orange is sublime, and I like what that implies, emotionally, about your relating to the orange, like it's a ray of sunshine.

    The part about wings makes me imagine that this orange appeared like an angel or a bird, just flew into your life. Something like divinity, or magic. I like that undertone.

    So all those parts, and the gilded bough, make me think of gold, and golden things-- but you do this in a way which makes me see this gold while being unaware of it. It's a backdrop. I dig it.

    There is something carnal about your last part-- it kind of shakes things up a little, startles. It makes me think of sex, to be honest, and of wildness, the wildness we all carry. It speaks to me of desire. But all that in this understated why -- like you're not trying to get us to think that, the words are there, they just are.

    I'm also gonna ditto Daniel and say that the prelude/description bit is unneeded. This poem speaks for itself.

    Really good job jp :)

    Take care,

    | Posted on 2011-02-14 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      indeed the shadow of the sun
    in all its citrus glory
    has gifted us with cool sweet rays
    at least that is my story
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I love how the sun in the first stanza is reflected in the orange, like interchanging symbols & how the motion of the sun with the bough recalls ready to be picked fruit. & I like the idea of the orange being "little-winged". Now I'm craving the fruit.

    But what I especially like is that it is rather soft & gentle, simply describing, but then takes a turn with the last stanza, ending the poem on one sudden movement. It's a bit carnal, kinda aggressive, & hungry.

    I don't think it need tweaking at all.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      also, i didn't read any of your ramble. i'm sure it would have interfered with my enjoyment of the poem: this is.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this, it appears mystical on the page,
    the sharp enjambments,
    it is the mythical
    swallow of softness down ones throat.

    (stifle your giggles, your gay-thoughts)

    the only thing i'd do is remove the yielding to

    leaving just,

    yielding the force of my lips

    which speaks to the attraction.

    this is amazing, so pertiful.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      Did you start eating it without peeling it first?

    Did you mean gilded, instead o f glided?
    | Posted on 2011-02-12 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]

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