Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: aranciadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 28
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 357
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 212



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsaranciadots
    -------------------------------------------


    the sun has
    shaken from
    it's gilded bough

    an orange-
    little-winged and
    round in my hand

    yielding
    the force
    of my lips





    Submitted on 2011-02-11 20:36:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Can I just repeat Santi's comment verbatim?

    Yup, I'm dittoing her.

    I love how understated this is, and it's a surprise coming from your usual ornateness. This one doesn't need a lot of grand words-- what you're saying speaks for itself.

    But you do have your usual flair for imagery here-- the symmetry between the sun and the orange is sublime, and I like what that implies, emotionally, about your relating to the orange, like it's a ray of sunshine.

    The part about wings makes me imagine that this orange appeared like an angel or a bird, just flew into your life. Something like divinity, or magic. I like that undertone.

    So all those parts, and the gilded bough, make me think of gold, and golden things-- but you do this in a way which makes me see this gold while being unaware of it. It's a backdrop. I dig it.

    There is something carnal about your last part-- it kind of shakes things up a little, startles. It makes me think of sex, to be honest, and of wildness, the wildness we all carry. It speaks to me of desire. But all that in this understated why -- like you're not trying to get us to think that, the words are there, they just are.

    I'm also gonna ditto Daniel and say that the prelude/description bit is unneeded. This poem speaks for itself.

    Really good job jp :)

    Take care,

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-02-14 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      indeed the shadow of the sun
    in all its citrus glory
    has gifted us with cool sweet rays
    at least that is my story
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I love how the sun in the first stanza is reflected in the orange, like interchanging symbols & how the motion of the sun with the bough recalls ready to be picked fruit. & I like the idea of the orange being "little-winged". Now I'm craving the fruit.

    But what I especially like is that it is rather soft & gentle, simply describing, but then takes a turn with the last stanza, ending the poem on one sudden movement. It's a bit carnal, kinda aggressive, & hungry.

    I don't think it need tweaking at all.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      also, i didn't read any of your ramble. i'm sure it would have interfered with my enjoyment of the poem: this is.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this, it appears mystical on the page,
    the sharp enjambments,
    it is the mythical
    swallow of softness down ones throat.

    (stifle your giggles, your gay-thoughts)

    the only thing i'd do is remove the yielding to

    leaving just,

    yielding the force of my lips

    which speaks to the attraction.

    this is amazing, so pertiful.
    | Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      Did you start eating it without peeling it first?

    Did you mean gilded, instead o f glided?
    | Posted on 2011-02-12 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    189371

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Records I written by Raphael
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    prison written by ShyOne
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry