Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

whenever I open up for you (so you


Author: Santi
Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299 /307 /90
Words: 48
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1542
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 304



Description:


Short, yup.


whenever I open up for you (so you




can sleep in) early morning's dark, I know that I am both
only me & all of me at full stride, up the hall,
with clean cotton coffee-filter sacks
& an armful of mugs,
breaking the hush
before first light comes.




Submitted on 2011-02-13 18:31:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Here's what I like best...

"armful of mugs,
breaking the hush"

I really like the line break there (without the comma, though), because for a second it makes my mind take the little leap to imagine dropping all the mugs. I love the little mind trick - that you use mugs and breaking in the same thought, but it's not about the mugs breaking at all.

annie
| Posted on 2011-02-16 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
  i smell the aroma of the speaker being the speaker in more ways than one...a filtered life, a simple life...all comes from the same cup...

i agree with Aly...immediate...

i like tight, compact, a rush...this one woke me up.
| Posted on 2011-02-15 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  Emeya did this once, with a title, and I think Keith does it too. It's effective, it's compelling, you know. Immediate- I think that's the word I'm looking for.

I love the quality of love which rings through your first line, ever so quiet. I like that the love is unqualified- if it's romantic, maternal, daughterly, friend-to-friend. It's open, but the love is there. And it's quietly lovely.

This is a quiet poem, like the hushing morning you break (and I imagine that the breaking of it is quiet, too).

I'm going to ditto Daniel, and refer myself back to your eggplant poem, and say that giving significance to such ordinary things is great. Reading this, it's like being taught how to not be blind.

There is an understated grandness to the filters and mugs. I dig that. I do.

This state you describe: both only me and all of me. Firstly, was it hard to work out how to say succintly? It looks like it was hard; but that pays off. It's gorgeous. There's a self-confidence there, a kind of this is enough, I am enough, you know? And carrying both thoughts at once-- that's what makes me think those words: I am enough for me.

The technical bits and bobs are all here too: alliteration, almost-rhyme. It's good.

I like how unspecified 'morning's dark' is. This could be any morning, it could be every morning. It makes that morning feel more real, more present, not something which has passed but something which is on-going, you know?

You do the same thing with first light. I dig it.

So, yup. It's good. I rambled. :)
| Posted on 2011-02-14 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm guessing this poem is about the mornign shift at Starbuck's?

annie
| Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
  whenever I open up for you (so you
-------------------------------------------


can sleep in) early morning's dark, I know that I am both

nice use of the title: i like trying to use stuff around you, like youtube, or formatting, or generally different stuff, like how shine will let your rockhound out.

The partitioning of the person is ugh-quite lovely


only me & all of me at full stride, up the hall,
with clean cotton coffee-filter sacks
& an armful of mugs,

it's so lovely you appreciate the details of filter sacks and coffee mugs- you imagine they must feel grand, that it would be grand to be one of those mugs or coffee-filters-sacks.

I like the sense of intimate community. For me, the picture you paint- she is a wonder, therefore he is a wonder- that act of doing for, this is lovely, together they are lovely.

I was thinking, I like where the poems goes, but I'm not sure you that you couldn't do better.

It's about luster and shine when all the working parts are good.

I liked the idea of breaking ground before the light comes in.

it's about work, it's about coffee, it's about doing for, &. I thought it's a nice way to talk about the day & the bustle as well as the man-

it goes back to those strides too.

layering, a few words doing a lot of work, a tie in. That was the general thought of it. It's not unlovely as is. use or lose.

db

| Posted on 2011-02-13 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



189414