Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sabbath shows me pictures dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 704
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 719



    Description:
       Sabbath, my niece, last night. & I think more could be done with this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSabbath shows me pictures dots
    -------------------------------------------



    of mollusks & sea urchins, some spiked,
    others flabby as wombs, the sand a shifting floor.

    only 6 & it is the silence of the deep sea
    she loves, the cut of coral,
    the organisms

    that breathe with their whole bodies;
    feeling, pulsing, opening.

    until she's ready for the brass-framed bed
    & pink pajamas. her body straight
    beneath the sheet,

    her face alive, pupils wide to take in
    the remaining night-light,

    before lids flutter down
    & small fingers furl
    like soft underwater-creatures

    into sleep.




    Submitted on 2011-02-17 10:50:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I faved this the first moment I read it.... am usually slow to comment on things that just sweep me initially, so I apologize for taking so long to come-back-around to it...

    When I write something that is "close" to me, about someone I love, I feel I always fail in portraying them, or that the way I write it doesn't match their magnificence, etc. Children-things especially. You're taking a handful of words, after all, and basically trying to make a visual sand-sculpture of them. I always feel like I've hung a picture that's a little crooked, somehow... is it this word, this line... It can really break your mind.

    I think this is beautifully written. If the red ball is exactly the shade of a flag stripe, exactly the size of an apple, is covered in white stars.... well, yeah. I see that ball in my head, it has all its definitions... I can visualize the ball exactly. But if you tell me the ball glows sunset and holds the stars... well, it becomes something Else then and to whoever is thinking about it... it becomes an Endless Possibility and can be anything based on imagination...

    I have this problem with painting... I want to exactly represent my vision as it is... but the key to supposedly painting well is to forget the original details and INTERPRET them instead into something color-stroked that represents... and when the people look, they'll figure it out and see not only what you saw, but how you saw it, what you thought about it and how it... internalized?

    I don't know if that makes any sense.... I guess what I'm saying is, I can understand if it doesn't feel right to YOU, because you had the simulation... we have the simulacra. We don't know Sabbath, except through you. If you wish for a perfect poem, then mesh it with childhood development and age factor, and the right worded images of ocean life, and you'll possibly turn out a literary masterpiece of sorts... but will it be about Sabbath's pictures? Or will it be about a generic child drawing starfish and dreaming of the sea? And which would you rather write about?

    I love it. I hope you do at some point, too.
    | Posted on 2011-02-18 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I really loved the imagery in this, soaked up by a six-year-old, conveyed to us by you. Often times when I read a poem that's written by a poet talking about some experience with a child, the poet gets in the way. As if they forgot that it's not about them being the ones to tell it . . . the important thing is in the telling. To tell it. Because it felt like a dawning moment, or whatever it is that they felt, because children are so special.

    So, with this poem, I didn't feel like you got in the way of the telling. I like the separation and breaking up of the title leading to the first line, because the title has you in it, but the poem itself focuses on Sabbath and all those wonderful images. So that was a choice, conscious or not, that I can appreciate.

    And there's something to the description of the child's body that's so very deep-sea. I imagine a jellyfish, or an anemone, or one of those fishes that has its own light to attract smaller fish. Sabbath is definitely a sea creature in this, and that shines.

    I'm not sure about specific suggestions, though you could maybe fiddle with the punctuation and line breaks, to smooth out the poem as a whole. I'd like to feel like I'm floating and sinking and being swept up and riding a current. Some of the stops and pauses felt too halting. But, it's not a big deal, and up to you to experiment.

    Enjoyed.

    Alia
    | Posted on 2011-02-18 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      okay i think less is more...

    my mind felt the brush of waves against the shore...i felt the in-between sleep feeling..the dreams, the thoughts of the ocean as i tried to fall asleep....but all the movement prevented it...

    "flabby womb" nice image there...just under the surface i saw the fish and other creatures moved by the current...hoping the swaying would feel like being hypnotized to sleep..
    this is your version, your vision, your feeling...

    it needs to be that...it works on my imagination...it lets me.
    | Posted on 2011-02-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I love a good kid.

    I read this pretty good writer once,
    she was exploring the mother daughter relationship thing in a close sort of way, much as you have done, but it was the angst, i guess, of the the shifting states of that bond, that dynamic,

    i forget the words or the exact deal but basically i think the daughter was wanting to grow up to fast and anyway so this writer used the metaphor of a fishbowl, the girl, this independent little girl stumbled, and it was the sweetest thing, the lurching of that bowl speaking to how a mother always looks at her babies, the perfect way to show that love-angst, that golden impetuous innocence.

    it's not that the poem isn't lovely, but if it's going to be just a lovely poem it needs to be remarkably so in some way imo, whether that's through understatement or killer diller phrasing or a particular angle.

    I didn't see that much going on here, so yes, i think you could do more.
    | Posted on 2011-02-17 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm thinking you need something between night-light and before-- a whole 'nother part, something which helps the transition to sleep?

    Flabby wombs is great. I'm not sure why I like it so much. Perhaps because flabby is an underrated word, perhaps because it makes me think they've given birth, they're at that loose skin stage now, I don't know. It's probably a mixture of both.

    And how that idea (they've given birth already) ties in well with Sabbath's imagination, her love of the deep, the silent.

    Most of our alien imaginings are based on sea-life, you know. Because they are so utterly foreign to us, in form. Some find that scary, others enchanting. I'm with Sabbath-- I think it's like entering another world, I love it.

    Note to self: must go scuba diving.

    I like that breathe with their whole bodies, and how that relates to Sabbath, something like total freedom, or always dancing, ever so quiet dances but dances nonetheless. And I guess it also looks like how it would feel to be back in the womb, with the world pulsing around you. Anyway, my point was that it's a gorgeous thought, simply stated (and sometimes that is the very best way).

    I like how abrupt that brass bed feels- we've gone from life to inanimate metal, no pause in-between. Like you're calling her back from another world; and how her straight body juxtaposes with the organisms. Like you're leading her away, away from the sea and back to reality;

    but then you give us her wide pupils, which recalls the sea-creatures pulsing and opening-- there's a freedom in those opened eyes, too, makes that bed feel a little softer, the tugging her back to reality more of a gently whhispering at her until she comes back.

    Here's where it feels a little too sudden, the closed eyes-- maybe something about what she's seeing, still seeing or seeing now? Some other soft thing which recalls the photos? Just a thought.

    I love the part about fingers. Love it. Furl is such a good word, so gentle and charming. And the allieration just adds to the sweetness of it, the soft fs, f f f f, yum.

    The into sleep is excellent. Don't revise that. Following the furling, it's just exactly right, exactly where this needs to end.

    Thoughts thoughts.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-02-17 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    189486

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry