Description: in a light mood... dedicated to only those adults who have been children at some point of their lives.
What the old turtle saw.... -------------------------------------------
He blinks his little silver eyes
To distinguish himself from slippery stones
And bows to waving daffodils
Finally he has escaped into heaven
Or perhaps he thinks so.
But he is alone here…
Lonely like the first star in the dusk.
Some geese are looking at him
In a curious awe… but he simply ogles
At the spider suspended over him
Hanging by a golden glint..
Proud to pull her own strings.
In the air, he feels a frosty touch
So unnatural in a morn like this
Perhaps, it comes from yonder sheet of water
That breathless, convulsing, glassy lake
Where now and then, some bird dives in
And smashes in glitters its luminous peace.
He shifts himself a little on soft chilled grass
And shakes off the dew posing as sweat on his brow
Somewhere around a skylark whistles
The first notes of his musical dream
That turns the grass into an ample cushion
And puts the turtle back to sleep.
I like how in the first verse he's having trouble distinguishing between subjective and objective reality .and how this melding of identity is causing him to feel he has escaped into heaven . Children often get carried away here . In the second verse I like how the spider is hanging from the primal glint of its thread and revelling in its constructions . I really like the line "some bird dives in And smashes in glitters its luminous peace." such an artistic way to state something that could have otherwise seemed less vivid . In the final verse I think you've done a great job with "Somewhere around a skylark whistles The first notes of his musical dream" in setting up the turtle's drifting off into dreams of spiritual sky and mystic symbiosis like children so often do . I enjoyed this write . I'll be back for more .
I don't believe flow was the intention here.The intention was to explain the being of a aged, antediluvian creature.
The lens of the piece has complete focus on the turtle with no requisite for flow.
Had this not been free verse, the thought of something being missing would be more pointed out than it already is now.
The zone that surrounds the turtle could be a park or national landmark region where animals of nature reside as people have a cool way to overlook the beauty of them.
The intent, the main one was to show motion of the turtle related to it's elder age.With other things around it such as insects or birds with a certain climate of weather that it has adapted to a long time ago.
It reminds me of seeing a much younger turtle on a window seal as a kind of harmless spider glues it self to the sash playing with a web line invisible to the human eye that the turtle can see perfectly.
It makes you want to think of how things go for a turtle life wise, especially of old age thanks to your aid of sketch.
I don't see any way to change anything.It's better of this way being unique than it going through erases, fixes or touch ups.
Sometimes when you get something good with the feeling that everything is into place then you just may tell yourself nothing must be done to revise it in any way.
i like free verse..and actually i like the feel of this piece..
ever since i was a kid i had a fascination for turtles...when they did sell them in the pet stores, i used to have a dozen at a time...the little ones..when i got older i used to catch wild turtles and had a big pen behind my garage...one day they dug out and all escaped...oops...
but fascinating creatures who have been here all the way back to dinosaur days..
and this poem really gives me that feel...of all they have seen, all they know from vast experience and living so long as they tend to do..
it's like the old turtle wakes up every so often, surveys the oldness or newness around him...and then drifts back off to sleep...
you capture that...a turtle has slow, awkward movement...smooth, quick paced rhyme in this piece, at least to me, would not fit as well as this style did.
I found this poem to be quite endearing to the ear. The only negative comment that I can think of is influenced by my personal tastes.
That it, I feel that the poem, while well-written, would be improved with a few rhymes here and there. At the moment, it doesn't really flow well for me, but that is just my opinion.