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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If she claimsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 651
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 503



    Description:
       


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    dotsIf she claimsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    that Christ was myth,
    then I say his mythic hands

    were milk pale
    as the November sun &

    human dark, too,
    with buckwheat honey.

    I know this

    because when his fingers
    leapt, they spanned my spine

    as yours & moved over my skin
    like wings, their pinions

    & plumage strange as love
    settling

    into the body.




    Submitted on 2011-02-21 22:12:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      a couple of things, i'm a southern hemisphere lad so i didn't immediately grab the significance of November because Christmas is always hot in NZ because it's summer.

    i feel this is such a good poem, i'd like November to do more work, and maybe it's worth considering what's around it. if a person can make the association with winter then perhaps pale goes along with thew assumption, particularly with what follows. what follows, the darkness and the buckwheat honey(which is great by the way because it suggests something burnt brown without saying as much) does a lot of work, so risk something maybe, on the off chance that it elevates the poem, it could be you strike a rich vein of phrasing, or maybe you touch another of the senses while achieving the same thing. tepid would be an example. tepid as November sun, and how that still fits with the rhythm but possibly condenses it and gives us more cold, like cold on wet skin, the wind cuts in -to you and you never forget that.

    in to

    that was the other thing...
    my parents split and we moved away from exposure to dad's culture (maoridom) but you still have an awareness, words used in their simplest form to convey a meaning, the command uttered, the imp of a word. in (do this) to (go there).
    action & direction consciseness because it was a warrior culture.
    i think if you separated that word, in this instance, it would hold more power, and again, rhythms are important, you talk of settling and the way the poem would read if you did that ( split into) would realise that gradualness.

    other than these miniscule things, this is sensual, this is magical.

    defintely a favourite (you are)

    db
    | Posted on 2011-03-11 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, I'm just going to make myself comment (it will mostly be blither (secretly I'm a blitherer)).

    I'll just begin with applauding you for pinions. Ugh. What a fecking good word.

    And now I'll go back to the beginning.

    I guess the first thing that struck me about this one, in a technical sense, is the sonics, which are excellent the whole way through. You begin with myth/mythic, we have pinion/plumage, spine/spanned etc etc, and yup, it makes for a bloody good read. A pleasureable read, as it's clear thought went into this.

    The sparseness of it, its brevity, belies how deeply layered and open it is. I've already said to Esha today that I envy writers who can do that whole brief thing and manage to pack in feeling and meaning and still be technically sound. I think I'm incapable of anything other than waffling in a pretty fashion :)

    The similies you use, too, are very apt, milk and honey having such religious connotations, it recalls your opening, with Jesus-- but there's an understated feel to it. The words breathe- you give them room to do so. I dig it. Lots.

    Fingers leaping- that's such a gorgeous little turn of phrase, it makes me think of flames and fires.

    And how you then go on to describe the fingers and hands as having plumage-- so their winged. It's lovely. It sorta makes me think of angel's hand, or angelic hands, or something-- but with this fire, too.

    strange as love settling into the body is vast and startling. I love love love it. I do.

    One nit: on first reading this I stuttered a little over your line breaks in that part. That could just be me. But maybe some playing, if anyone else notes it? Or just ignore me--at times I'm an idiot. (ha!)

    This one makes me think of love being something holy, our lover's being our personal messiahs, you know? Some kind of prophesy coming into being as a person, built for one and one alone. But I like how a more religious person could read this and see something else entirely.

    Anyhoo, yup, this 'un rocks my life. It does.

    | Posted on 2011-02-22 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      the feeling of her hands on me, much like Jesus' hands would feel...healing me...making me feel calm, trusting, loved.

    i see an analogy here i really like..
    and the "settling into the body"

    beneath the skin in more ways than one...not just a physical feeling, but an emotional and mental one as well..

    the feeling of being one with another...ah to the bible.."made in his image"

    good images in here...

    power in the concise lines...

    for me this poem spoke...and i rose towards it...like a lazarus rising from the dead...

    cool write, santi!
    | Posted on 2011-02-21 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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