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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Breathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Santi
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 299/307/90
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 673
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 752



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Breathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    early morning on the river, mist clings
    to the flat of a back;
    the insistent voice in the head,
    instructing: get up! as upstream
    rapids are oblivious;
    as following the river, a heron,
    quiet wedge waving past the green pines,
    whispers to no one in particular.

    so the world wakes, then circles, then
    dies again. so a man stands
    naked on a rock ledge, shivering
    like the birches
    that sliver light into the forest.
    arms swinging, body rocking heel to toe,
    he pauses, knees bent,
    then springs into the sun

    with one breath,
    letting go.




    Submitted on 2011-02-23 16:11:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey Santi, I suck, sometimes life gets very busy and sheeesh that's when people leave valuable comments on poems that you wish you could return. I wish i had more time to read your stuff.

    I have one suggestion for this and that's the removal of on in on the river this is because it makes it feel like decribing, whereas to just say the river, early morning is more of a listing technique that gives immediacy straight away as well as beat, pulse, essential rhythm. I think that little change would work. It's the only part in the poem i didn't like and it's odd it should affect me so much, i found myself expecting not to like it. That changed at two to three to four key places. Rip snort, I like it.

    It's outside of yourself, it's historical, it's like a dreamtime.

    early morning on the river, mist clings
    to the flat of a back;


    mist on the back is good, it solidifies the morning with the cold cling most would know.

    the insistent voice in the head,
    instructing: get up! as upstream
    rapids are oblivious;

    i love it when words give things different perspectives. you could say that's commonplace, the phrase, the idea, they aren't human or alive(you say)

    but there's Frost's Road too. You the reader encounter a chance to wonder about the writer's intent. I don't know(yes, i do) but it's that the phrase suggests a human quality, and that's what i like about it, that the rapids might be insensitive, or dumb, or passing through. so that would be spot 2

    as following the river, a heron,
    quiet wedge waving past the green pines,
    whispers to no one in particular.

    i love the transitions here, from heron, to sky shape, and the idea of that shyshape enhanced by the visual of the pines (the imagery) that's gemstuff.

    the last line there is what i love, it takes thing thing about the rapids and ratchets it up a notch. you get this great look at time and it makes you think about human eyes, trees, lives: looking up as they have done since time and memorial. it's gemstuff because that wedgeshape seems like the center of life, and it whispers to no one in particular. it places us, in the scheme of things.

    so the world wakes, then circles, then
    dies again. so a man stands
    naked on a rock ledge, shivering
    like the birches
    that sliver light into the forest.
    arms swinging, body rocking heel to toe,
    he pauses, knees bent,
    then springs into the sun

    yes. because, yes.

    Also: i like the idea of man being swallowed up or as a greatness because he can go against what is instinct.

    the smallness of the previous strophe v the wonderful silhouette of that man jumping.

    the wedge and how the bird (man-bird) recalls that.

    with one breath,
    letting go.

    I like these last two lines also, it's singular, and given what's to be dug out of this piece, (dug in both senses: way cool & extracted)

    it works on the idea of sequencing, genetic sequencing, evolution, the drawing of that first and the exhalation of that last
    breath and how we pass that down the line.

    I was wondering whether or not to fave this since i don't particularly like you and your club in any way shape or fashion, however, when i went into it, it's earnt -- it's quite precious, it's like that pretty heart you might pass on the street. (that you can't tell who has a pretty heart is the point: you have to look).

    A great great deal of what I learnt and try to employ in my writing, came from working with sonnets, this is light, light-like, inspired,
    dense like a sonnet too.

    So, yes, i am vey glad that you're here, and pardon the contradiction but, i have a lot of time for you.
    | Posted on 2011-02-25 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this.

    I have watched people dive naked from cliffs, and there is something about this that somehow seems to combine feelings of exhilaration, danger, and also surrender.

    If watching from above, you could see the water shatter almost like glass; the hands first breaking the surface and then the body, iridescent bubbles swirling and sliding around the form, each person having their own pattern.

    I like "shivering like the birches that sliver light into the forest." So delicately descriptive.
    | Posted on 2011-02-24 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]
      it's like diving into life...a long way down, we don't know what we will hit...deep water, rocks...
    we are naked and shivering..no protection...life welcomes us...one way or the other...

    i like all the imagery that is so serene. mixed with rapids, white water...danger....yet the man is on a rock ledge...to jump or not...
    finally, he lets go...

    and the heron watches...yes people observe other people take the plunge...inevitable that they will jump?

    visual piece with meaning as deep as that in the river.
    | Posted on 2011-02-23 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a beautiful piece, it reminded me of something i would read in my literature book :) i enjoyed it. it really had a lot of imagery, i felt like i was watching this happen.
    | Posted on 2011-02-23 00:00:00 | by AshleyDYoung | [ Reply to This ]


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