Heya Mister, sorry it took me so long to get to this. I'm pleased though-- you've been working on it, and the edits are good.
I think I'm going to give my comment in two parts, if that's ok.
Firstly I want to laud you on how technically sound this is.
The half-rhyme between squall and worlds in particular struck me, and it gives this piece a tempo, or a heartbeat, you know?
There is also something clunky about your first line, the stuttered sounds making it hard to read. How that is followed by barren worlds-- it makes me feel that there is something vicious in her eyes, something sharp.
Your transition from that t-ch-g tempo, or lack of tempo, is good.
epiphanies' salty squall-- your alliteration here is masterful, and it couples up with the half-rhyme--everything is softened, somewhat. So it's a soft thought with a soft sound.
Your return to harsh sounds is abrupt, and it needs to be, I think, in order to be fully realised. That shatter. Lovely. And it recalls the first lines, so I'm reminded of thinking her eyes are vicious. The softness feels like a dream sandwiched by pain.
You keep up these harsh sounds--incandescent, I'm thinking of-- but relating that word to the piece, it recalls what feels like a dream as opposed to what is real. Am I making sense?
Your end is paradoxical, though I suspect that of being the wrong word, in that a psalm sung is never vicious. When I read that, the softness of it made me remember the dream-quality to some of your previous lines, made me think the psalm sung at sunset is a dream, too. And if what is real is barren and cold then yes, the dream of a psalm can be vicious.
I sorta consider that the technical aspects of a poem are its bones, the feeling and location the meat and brains.
I think this needs more meat, something which grounds it, a little, perhaps to elaborate on a feeling, or to locate it, you know? Something that keeps its feet on the ground yet allows its head to stay in the air. Am I making sense? It's early here, so sorry if not.
The simple edit daniel suggested-- that's the kind of thing which can ground a poem, make it feel more immediate, you know?
So the story I get from this one is that there is something damaged about these eyes, or the eyes' owner-- the worlds she occupied were barren, she shatters truth and epiphanies-- and how you relate to her, maybe there was a softness there, too, but for you, now, it feels like a dream. But it's an open write. I dig that.
And there's something about her blooming from barren worlds, too, this idea that she grew in a drought or the such.
It's a layered piece.
I'm unsure how barren worlds relates to epiphanies salty squall-- how barrenness makes me think of lack, a lack of ideas, too, whereas epiphanies are vibrant things.
I think perhaps another couplet between those parts, to ease that transition?
I'm not sure how you feel about adding whole lines and stuff. When I was just starting out I couldn't do it at all, it's something that took a lot of practice. But in another couplet you could add meat while easing that transition-- maybe something that would imply that the worlds were barren to her, but in reality they weren't? I get the feeling you were going for something like that. From the epiphanies being salty--that makes me think of tears. And how you say truth-- something about that, that makes me think it, too.
Let me know if you make any edits, and I'll hop along over with more thoughts.
Sorry if this was unhelpful blither. Now I'm gonna go get me some coffee...
jp. with respect, i think this is heavy in modifiers and light on feeling. edit yourself?
what is good about a flourish is that it's spontaneous and usually not something that can be replicated, like a person in your life who is so much goodness.
you've met people, you meet people every day in your life.... now think about the girl with the pretty heart and how the smallest thing was something.
now think about writing and what is meaningful and, i know, this sounds like good lecture, but honestly, it's in how things are achieved. If you like Aly's writing, why do you like it? And, I mean, really look. Really read, compose your thoughts, read what others have said, read a poem on the same subject by someone who was less successful, really read it, compose your thoughts. Read what others have said.
All that gets you this: = ground where you create and where those thought processes become less about concept and more about instinct.
It's good to write. I'm of the school where it's good to write, to try things, all that and a cupcake. Success teaches you success and failures seem like failures, but that's only a success. You don't want 3000 poems you want about 300 good ones, and a part of everything that you write will go in to that.
You are passionate, that is great, but the bleak start to this poem seems to have nothing to do with the passionate, it lacks critical connections.
critical connections, whether thought on or intuited, by the reader, they give value, make valid, enhance, enchant, undress, undo.
a poem that lacks that, well, the middle to end of this is like the difference between the idea of chatting up a girl and the ideal chat up.
slow down, be analytic, work for it. harness your smoothness.
her green eyes are orchids
tell me that the addition of are does not make a difference.
and really, i can think of a half page significant ramble on the why. that's one word. a poem might have a very few or a significant amount of words.
in fairness this poem could be religious, but:
in my opinion a poem that is aimed at one thing is a bit of a mugshot.
not to be cute, but it's about layering and affecting people with things obvious, and less obvious, they are bent to you and they do not know why.
you can phrase, you have great spirit, be as benefact to that. more work on that is needed.
This has taken on quite a different effect, & I like it. It's all the more striking really. It makes me think of those women you see who you know have lived hard and rough. Maybe because of the cards they were dealt, or the ones they chose, or both. But there's that underneath beauty still there.
"epiphanies' salty squall" has an issue with numeration. "epiphanies'" denotes more than one epiphany and so I'm thinking "squalls" would carry better. Or go all singular "epiphany's salty squall". I think that works, but then "shatter" would have to change to "shatters".
Oh my, well, look at that is what I'm saying.
I also wonder wonder if "incandescent as/truth" is enough. The enamored in there feels very labor intensive.
I think you & I will always go back & forth with this. I will say take a word out, you will probably say add a word in. & That is good. I like that. :)
What Jacob gathered, I did as well, & I enjoy the reflecting & contrasting with the different images. I especially like the idea of a salty squall & then "incandescent" as that implies something electrical. It has this fury about it.
I also really like reading where you've taken this & how the edit has evolved the poem. The very process is interesting, isn't it?