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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: joezwells
    Elite Ratio:    3.81 - 64/78/54
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 657
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 708



    Description:
       please dont be to harsh on me. i really just had to get this out. there was no revising or editing i just wrote and this what came out. it made me feel better. thanks for reading


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    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    time wont continue
    the lies wont stop
    waiting losing patience
    there is no clock

    stuck in a life
    living in circles
    there's no way out
    the feeling cripples

    to you, i say, bravo
    actor of the year
    help you..no, no more

    confused?

    so was i
    till i realized the lie

    time wont continue
    the lies wont stop
    helping losing patience
    your like talking to a rock

    stuck in a life
    living in cirlcles
    there's plenty of ways out
    your lack of trying. cripples











    Submitted on 2011-03-01 20:31:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i'm glad it made you feel better :) poetry always helps. a badass poet (at least, i consider him one) once wrote, "...our eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself, it is best to compose a poem--an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope."

    but if in a few days--a few weeks, months, years, whatever--you have some distance from this and feel up to editing, here is what i recommend.


    ... as a reader, i want something to grasp onto. i understand that in this moment, it's for yourself and purely emotive, but if, one day, you want to overhaul it, i would start by giving us some details. you don't have to spill your guts and retell the whole story, but little snapshots that help to illustrate what you're feeling would be nice. everyone says, "show, don't tell," and i think it's a good phrase to live by. why say time won't continue and the lies won't stop when you could show us what you mean? it packs a more powerful punch, and it has a lot more potential for impact.

    anyway, i wasn't trying to be mean. just giving some thoughts :) i love how poetry, just writing it, can make you feel 383802052309175752 times better. and yes, i was confused, but that doesn't really matter. what matters is this helped you, in the moment. thanks for letting me see a little slice of the inside of your head.
    | Posted on 2011-03-01 00:00:00 | by pasttense | [ Reply to This ]


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