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Author: joezwells
Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 64 /79 /55
Words: 97
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
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please dont be to harsh on me. i really just had to get this out. there was no revising or editing i just wrote and this what came out. it made me feel better. thanks for reading


time wont continue
the lies wont stop
waiting losing patience
there is no clock

stuck in a life
living in circles
there's no way out
the feeling cripples

to you, i say, bravo
actor of the year
help, no more


so was i
till i realized the lie

time wont continue
the lies wont stop
helping losing patience
your like talking to a rock

stuck in a life
living in cirlcles
there's plenty of ways out
your lack of trying. cripples

Submitted on 2011-03-01 20:31:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  i'm glad it made you feel better :) poetry always helps. a badass poet (at least, i consider him one) once wrote, "...our eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself, it is best to compose a poem--an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope."

but if in a few days--a few weeks, months, years, whatever--you have some distance from this and feel up to editing, here is what i recommend.

... as a reader, i want something to grasp onto. i understand that in this moment, it's for yourself and purely emotive, but if, one day, you want to overhaul it, i would start by giving us some details. you don't have to spill your guts and retell the whole story, but little snapshots that help to illustrate what you're feeling would be nice. everyone says, "show, don't tell," and i think it's a good phrase to live by. why say time won't continue and the lies won't stop when you could show us what you mean? it packs a more powerful punch, and it has a lot more potential for impact.

anyway, i wasn't trying to be mean. just giving some thoughts :) i love how poetry, just writing it, can make you feel 383802052309175752 times better. and yes, i was confused, but that doesn't really matter. what matters is this helped you, in the moment. thanks for letting me see a little slice of the inside of your head.
| Posted on 2011-03-01 00:00:00 | by pasttense | [ Reply to This ]

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