Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: From My Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cordell
    ASL Info:    36/M/Philadelphia P.A.
    Elite Ratio:    3.01 - 590/805/389
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 676
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 521



    Description:
       to ma baby ;0)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFrom My Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    From my heart I offer you my soul
    I offer you my life for you to hold
    for you to control
    for you to have

    I give up everything for you
    anything that you ask me too
    anything just for you

    the stars are at your reach
    the world at your grasp
    a trip to any country
    all you have to do is ask

    I am your slave, your lover
    your servant like no other
    i think you understand
    that all I want to be is your man...




    Submitted on 2011-03-01 20:31:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like what you have written and am taking it into consideration, thank you VERY much for your post & time :0)
    | Posted on 2011-03-02 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      i hope your baby likes it, first and foremost. i'm sure that's the sole purpose of this poem.

    if that's the case, maybe give it to them in some other way. i'm assuming since it's on this site that you want some sort of critique on it. so that's what i'm giving you.

    my thoughts are this: pull it from somewhere other than your heart. your guts, maybe. your dick. i don't know. but somewhere else, because this feels like a generic hallmark card. i want to see something more than just abstractions. heart, soul, life, control, everything, anything... these are all abstractions, meaning you can't touch them. even in the rest of your poem: stars, reach, grasp, slave, lover, servant, man--even these words are turned into abstractions simply because the reader has nothing to grasp onto.

    why do you love this person? what makes this person special? why do you offer up your soul, proclaim you are a slave? all I want to be is your man... why? why only to be this person's man?
    answering these questions would make this poem into something stronger. take some risks, instead of clinging to the safe, generic stuff hollywood and the greeting card industry feeds us day after day.

    but anyway, please don't take this as a bash. i hope the person you give/gave this to does love it. i sincerely do. love poems are love poems, regardless of how you write them, and that makes them special, period.
    | Posted on 2011-03-01 00:00:00 | by pasttense | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    189680

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Live In Between written by teika5
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry