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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: From My Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cordell
    ASL Info:    36/M/Philadelphia P.A.
    Elite Ratio:    3.01 - 592/807/391
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 902
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 521



    Description:
       to ma baby ;0)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFrom My Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    From my heart I offer you my soul
    I offer you my life for you to hold
    for you to control
    for you to have

    I give up everything for you
    anything that you ask me too
    anything just for you

    the stars are at your reach
    the world at your grasp
    a trip to any country
    all you have to do is ask

    I am your slave, your lover
    your servant like no other
    i think you understand
    that all I want to be is your man...




    Submitted on 2011-03-01 20:31:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like what you have written and am taking it into consideration, thank you VERY much for your post & time :0)
    | Posted on 2011-03-02 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      i hope your baby likes it, first and foremost. i'm sure that's the sole purpose of this poem.

    if that's the case, maybe give it to them in some other way. i'm assuming since it's on this site that you want some sort of critique on it. so that's what i'm giving you.

    my thoughts are this: pull it from somewhere other than your heart. your guts, maybe. your dick. i don't know. but somewhere else, because this feels like a generic hallmark card. i want to see something more than just abstractions. heart, soul, life, control, everything, anything... these are all abstractions, meaning you can't touch them. even in the rest of your poem: stars, reach, grasp, slave, lover, servant, man--even these words are turned into abstractions simply because the reader has nothing to grasp onto.

    why do you love this person? what makes this person special? why do you offer up your soul, proclaim you are a slave? all I want to be is your man... why? why only to be this person's man?
    answering these questions would make this poem into something stronger. take some risks, instead of clinging to the safe, generic stuff hollywood and the greeting card industry feeds us day after day.

    but anyway, please don't take this as a bash. i hope the person you give/gave this to does love it. i sincerely do. love poems are love poems, regardless of how you write them, and that makes them special, period.
    | Posted on 2011-03-01 00:00:00 | by pasttense | [ Reply to This ]


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