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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Promise To Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Silencer
    ASL Info:    25/m/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 52/66/29
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 460
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1076



    Description:
       I just noticed a horrible formatting problem from the last time I posted this. It should be corrected now.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Promise To Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'll run to you
    And I'll save you too
    I'll get you out
    The jaws of life in my hand I have no doubt
    You'll hear my voice in the middle of the night
    Through the smoke and flames I'll not lose sight
    When the storm is at its worse is when I am at my best
    All day and through the night just like all the rest
    And when the cold is just too much to bear
    I can promise you that I'll be there
    Even if I must climb a thousand rungs
    I swear I'll breath life back into your lungs
    I'll make your heart pump your blood
    Even if I'm face down in the mud
    I'll get you out of your house alive
    You'll have my help the moment I arrive
    I do my job so that others may live
    Even if my life is all I have to give
    And I'll regret not being able to tell you lies
    Even if the truth puts tears in your eyes
    Don't think we don't hurt too
    Because after all everything we do is done for you




    Submitted on 2011-03-06 11:54:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      hey :)

    generally i come view poems with a critical eye.
    I couldn't tell you what this is about: because, I come at poems with a critical eye, there were roadblocks.

    The structure is a bit sing-songy, and endstopped which adds to the sing-songiness.

    You have the degree that I don't, I'm saying you're an intelligent bloke, so here are some suggestions re format, re elevating this a little.
    and offered, in that spirit. I simply know what I know.


    I'll run to you,
    And I'll save you.
    I'll get out,
    The jaws of life in my hand. No-doubt
    You'll hear my voice, in the middle of the night,
    Through the smoke flames, I'll not lose sight.
    When the storm is at its worst, is when I am at my best.

    whether those changes are better is up for debate. They do show variation and that's really the only point; to show that in whatever there is written, it is written in that there are opportunities to use variation. you can apply that to all things from concepts, to intent, to sentence structure.

    If you look at what you've got, stand back from it &: look at what you've got from ten angles, 7 of them you will discard, 2 of them you will regret having to leave out, and one might be a new angle. I find that's the way to revise, not so much revise, but polish and enhance through diligence in revision.

    It takes skill to use rhyme. a simple poem like this, imo is better not rhyming the whole way through, better not being conscious or so conscious of the rhyme but working it in. I reckon that makes sentences more free, and allows you to say what you want to get at with more precision.

    I don't want or mean to say about people's poetry that this is not it's in the spirit of realisation. That's good on my page too.

    db
    | Posted on 2011-03-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow also. Had to comment on this one.
    When you look at this from the fireman or rescue point of view like jacob said, which is how I read it, it is just amazing. From the beginning to the end.
    A real eye opener.
    | Posted on 2011-03-06 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wowo this writing accually think about my feeling for a woman i love, some times i wish she neww how much i love her... but very good its a very deep peice of writing.
    | Posted on 2011-03-06 00:00:00 | by Sepheroth432 | [ Reply to This ]
      i will be your super hero in any form necessary to take care of you...to be there for you...
    i will save you from ever hurting again...if it is in my power..

    i see an analogy to a fireman saving lives, weathering the worst storms of danger...
    the intense heat..

    so, a relationship has such also...and this human in super hero form...or vice-versa..can be counted on, no matter what...

    straightforward and filled with strong sentiment...

    one slight suggestion to make some lines smoother..eliminate unnecessary "that's"
    improves flow without them...just words to trip over...

    i like this.

    jacob

    | Posted on 2011-03-06 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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