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    dots Submission Name: Twitchdots

    Author: AshleyDYoung
    ASL Info:    19/F/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    4.22 - 28/33/34
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 571
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1013


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    My heartbeat is slow, and my voice low.
    My body tense and aching, this feeling
    Is one I know all too well. Its familiar,
    As familiar as one would consider a friend,
    But unlike a friend the only comfort you receive
    Is the knowledge that with one twitch of your finger
    Your pain will end. As far as consoling, you can forget it
    Unless you would like a back hand across your already
    Drenched face. Knowledge, you used to be my friend and now im afraid
    You’ve done me in. sometimes secrets are better left kept
    Or not made at all. Oh no, I’m glad I know, but this pain
    This pain I feel makes me sick. Numbness, its better than pain
    But still, I would rather feel joy. I would rather know that my lover
    Is faithful, and that he will not abandon me, but I do not.
    Sadly I do not, but my love holds true, and not as scary
    When I have the knowledge that with one twitch, my pain would end.

    Submitted on 2011-03-07 23:53:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think what this really needs is some editing. This lesson has come hard for me too, because a poem is a moment, and the thought corresponds with that moment longs to keep it just the way it is. So I'm always tempted to leave sleeping animals lying where they fall.

    But there is also an opportunity to turn a rough diamond into something polished, multi-faceted, and beautiful!

    First and foremost, consider eliminating words that don't contribute to the meaning. This alone can tighten your work considerably. Words such as the, a, and, that, etc. should be the first to go.

    Watch for repetition. This is where a thesaurus can be your best friend, and serve a double purpose by expanding your vocabulary too!

    Second, try to rearrange words in a different order; a simple reorganization can help volumes.

    Thirdly, keep a close eye on format. Too-long lines can drain the attention; lack of punctuation or proper enjambment can make what could be lovely poetic thoughts seem like boring run-on sentences.

    Spacing is also very important. It gives both the eye and the mind a moment of breathing space and separates thoughts in a chronological sequence, making them much easier to digest.

    Your poem could be something like this:

    My heartbeat is slow, my voice low,
    my body tense and aching. This feeling
    is familiar as one would consider a friend.

    But unlike a friend, the only comfort you'll receive
    is the knowledge that with one twitch of your finger
    your pain will end.

    Forget consoling:
    your face is already drenched, and the back
    of my hand against it would sting.

    Knowledge, you used to be my friend. Now
    I'm afraid you've done me in:
    Sometimes secrets are better left kept.

    If you asked, I'd say I'm glad I know, but the pain
    I feel makes me sick. Numbness is better than pain
    but still, I would rather feel joy, full of
    the knowledge that my lover is faithful,
    that he will not abandon me.

    Knowing or not knowing, my love holds true, and I hold onto this:
    with one twitch, my pain could end.

    Hope this has been helpful. Don't mean to step over any lines, just to demonstrate...

    Take Care:)
    | Posted on 2011-03-09 00:00:00 | by BlankSheet | [ Reply to This ]

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