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    dots Submission Name: It started with a kissdots

    Author: TalentedChild
    ASL Info:    17
    Elite Ratio:    1.85 - 19/81/106
    Words: 335
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 845
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1929


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIt started with a kissdots

    t started with a smile when our eyes met eachother
    It became a daily game where the smile made us shine
    You were, to me, unreachable, for confidence I lacked
    But the truth was plain as daylight, my heart you did attract

    Outgoing and outrageous is my attitude, that's true
    But surely I was nervous when I tried to talk to you
    Just a boy you were just maybe, but maybe something more
    For I knew not what lay ahead when I knocked at your door

    And even when we talked till late and I laid in your bed
    I still did not know what went on inside your foreign head
    I did not want to just assume that I could win your heart
    Though I was surely certain you had won mine from the start

    And so I pressed to see you more, at least once every day
    In hopes that I could find that you were meeting me halfway
    Ten days after "Yeah, come in" where we talked at night past two
    You changed my life for the better with the start of something new

    We became more comfortable in the grips of others' arms
    As we became the victims of the other person's charms
    The depths of trust are building as I tell you 'bout my life
    Till you is who I search for as my day leads way to strife

    Your lips are what I seek for when I need to feel I'm cared
    And my heart has opened up to you even though I'm scared
    The clich� line: "I've fallen fast" has never seemed so real
    Your trust, faith, and companionship is making this ideal

    Now I don't want to speak for you for I am not your heart
    But I hope that what we have means that I am at least part
    And I know we've only just begun, still in the honeymoon
    But I want our "together" to be more than opportune

    Submitted on 2011-03-11 02:24:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you just don't see enough rhymed and metered poetry anymore, and this reminds me that that's a shame, because i love it.

    this isn't perfect, no, as jacob says, but there's just something about the makeup of R & M and the thought of you there, giving it your best effort, that does, it makes it really pious.

    If someone wrote this poem for me, I would love it.

    I don't want to say this is this or this is that, but I kind of have to, it's the fact that it's a little flawed that makes it feel legitimate. If poetry was just about art I wouldn't be at all interested. This is enough of both, and when I say both: i mean that it has feeling.

    Makes me want to go out and dust off the real stuff, real stuff in the sense that it's been too long since i've written using the joyous form of poetry.

    So, yes. I really liked this.
    | Posted on 2011-03-12 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the openness of this and the confessional style yes...

    i found the flow a little awkward at times which can easily be remedied by some rephrasing, and some tightening of lines...leaving out unnecessary words like "that" etc.

    also a couple parts hinder this being universal...they are too direct in relating to your particular situation..a little reworking and this hits home for so many who have felt this similar feeling.

    | Posted on 2011-03-11 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! it is a whole chronicle flowing down effortlessly and flawlessly. His unreachability is an additional charm and how this made you nervous!!!!!!! It is so life like.

    yet you plunged into the unknown and the mystery deepened with the descent.

    Amid all hazy uncertainty, the heart was given away. i loved the way how you described his hearts submission too.... and the warmest lines are these:

    Your lips are what I seek for when I need to feel I'm cared
    And my heart has opened up to you even though I'm scared

    There are no clichés in love. it is a fusion of trust, faith and companionship as you very well expressed.

    yeah, you deserve this beautiful love because you never let anything constrain it.

    your steps are intelligently slow and firm... never let go this great feeling.

    | Posted on 2011-03-11 00:00:00 | by ShiveringFire | [ Reply to This ]
      You might want to place an i at the very beginning where the t is.The second to last stanza has a small distraction bit.I would have stated the line of the clichi heads up to make that stanza tightened up or improved though then again you may want it that way with a good reason.

    I find the content and subject matter to be very honest as of sharing with others.The poem describes how you let your walls and guards down as a person for another who you identify with and have a strong sense, feeling and deep appreciation for them entering your life and you see a future that you have perfect longing for if I am not mistaking.

    This also describes a somewhat beautiful human condition.The reader gets the impression that the person who the piece is really about and meant for laced with aim is that, that person means a great deal to you and I like that being portrayed in here to say of my critique.Based on the line:

    "And even when we talked till late and I laid in your bed"

    I believe that the sparks or highlights of this about communicating stand out as well to give one a excellent understanding of how the two individuals have a certain bond with hunger to expand that from the both of them as companions.

    The title brought me here hehe to throw that in there.And I wasn't even disappointed, as you can probably tell by the review but I itch to see something about this that is within my own life and of someone I would probably deeply care for in specialty.

    If you ask me I believe the person you wrote this to needs to be aware that this piece exists to say for the most part.
    Confessional, I feel as though this is you admitting or letting out that you have found something and especially someone you have a lot of faith in and do not plan on letting it go anytime soon.

    It's beautiful.I also wish you all the best with it because there is my assumption that you deserve it.
    | Posted on 2011-03-11 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]

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